Monday, May 14, 2012


The other day, Cole Hamels grew a pair and plunked Bryce Harper in the back. I was amazed. Hamels has rarely showed signs of manhood during his career. It was nice to see that he could not tolerate a rookie asshole like Harper prancing around the league as if he were the best of the best. In his first ten days as a Major Leaguer, Harper has rubbed a lot of the other teams the wrong way by showing no humility with a major dose of grandstanding. I do have to give the kid some credit for the way he handled himself. He never looked at Hamels and ended up stealing home when Hamels made a lame pickoff attempt to first. Now, while the thought of hitting Brycehole was a good one, the execution by Hamels was hardly the stuff that dreams are made of. Don Drysdale (no stranger to throwing high & tight) has been dead for many years, but he has returned to the land of the living to comment on the Hamels-Harper affair. According to Drysdale, the Gods of Pitchers Past are embarrassed and angry because the correct way to "welcome" a guy to the show is by throwing at his head - not his back. Drysdale then stated, "When I heard that Hamels had admitted hitting the punk intentionally, I couldn't believe what I was hearing. You don't ever admit that. When asked - you lie. You tell the press that, just as you were releasing the pitch, you felt tremors from an earthquake somewhere and that the tremors caused the ball to go where it did." Drysdale returned to the afterlife after stating his wish that Hamels not ever play for his beloved Dodgers. Bob Gibson, known during his career as a guy who wasn't afraid of throwing at hitters, has asked the Cardinals to activate him for one last game - the next time The Nats & Brycehole play in St. Louis. Gibson's comeback will be limited to one Brycehole at-bat. During this at-bat the 76 year-old, who last pitched in 1975, plans to hit Brycehole in such a way that the kid will be unable to continue in the game. After Harper is carried off the field, Gibson will announce his retirement. Reports have come in of area sewers overflowing with a strange orange liquid - all the Kool-Aid you Flyers fans are dumping into the streets. Thank God that hockey season is finally over here in Philly. No more interviews where I have to listen to morons speak Canadian. There is some good news in their loss to the Devils. If you haven't gotten around to buying your Flyers bandwagon paraphernalia yet, Modell's will be dumping the shit at half-price. So, the Flyers are done, the Sixers will be done soon, and you either need to double down on the Sillies or start doing shit with your spouse or girlfriend. All the honest men know that they'll turn their attention completely to the Candystripers. The faithful will bow to the false messiah called hope - The hope that will come when Howard & Utley return. Good luck with that dream because it ain't gonna happen. The 2012 edition of the Sillies are competitive in their division and the return of UtHo won't change that dynamic. Enough of our Philly teams. They depress me, so I've changed the channel and have just heard Romney basically call for a U.S. attack on Iran. Speaker Boehner today also said it was time to attack Iran. Who the fuck ARE these people? In Indiana, seven term Senator Richard Lugar has been beaten in a primary by a Tea Partier. Now, Lugar was never my favorite senator but I surely don't want another National Socialist in the Senate! Republicans have collectively lost their minds and souls. If they win in November, turn around and grab your ankles. The only way I'd support a military strike on Iran would be if all five of Romney's sons were required to serve in combat roles. Hell, we'll even make his eldest son Tagg an officer - an officer in charge of a bomb disposal unit. Hey, I've been disappointed with Obama, but unless you're part of the 1% - there is no choice. Obama has sometimes shown himself to be gutless but he doesn't want to probe any lady not named Michelle, nor does he spend very much time fixated on what gay men do with each other. The man would at least attempt to create a fair deal. The funniest thing about a Romney Presidency would be the looks of horror on the faces of White America when Romney costs them their jobs, their savings, and their future. If you would like Romney to make appointments to the Supreme Court, please don't read my shit anymore - just go away.

Friday, May 11, 2012

Bryce Harper Is A Punk!

The other day, the Nationals called up Bryce Harper to take Ryan Zimmerman's place on their roster now that Zimmmerman has found a home on the DL. Harper, the 2010 first round pick in the MLB draft has been described as a "can't miss" phenom, able to both walk on water and leap tall buildings in a single bound. Not bad for a nineteen year old kid. Harper, who was hitting a far-from-Ruthian .250 in AAA made his first start against the Dodgers on Saturday and got his first MLB hit in his second at-bat. The kid's first hit was a double. So far, so good - but not so fast. After rounding first, while halfway to second, he threw his batting helmet off with his right arm and went onto second without it. What a punk ass move that was. It's one thing if the thing comes off by itself, but this asshole must have wanted the world to see his face in all it's acned glory. Who does he think he is - Willie Mays? Mays often lost his cap while running, but he never took it off himself. Harper may turn out to be a great ball player, but the LSF would rather see this punk turn out to be a complete bust and a loser. We'll have to see. As for the NFL draft and the Lord of Lard's picks, I have no snarky remarks to make. Needing help on the DL, the Large One selected Fletcher Cox, a DE from Mississippi State. I would have preferred the pick to be Devon Still from Penn State, but Reid never picks players from Penn State, no matter how good they are. I haven't heard of any of the other picks either since I do not watch games from the schools our picks attended. What I do know about Cox is that the ability to read was not a requirement to being accepted at Mississippi State. I hope the guy can at least read a playbook, but who knows. Actually, it wouldn't have mattered who the Eagles chose, since there will be no Super Bowl wins while the Far Man is in charge. My friend Bob gave me some happy horseshit about my constant negativity in this regard, but so far I've been right about Reid. So, until they prove me wrong, I'll stick to my guns. While on the subject of Andy Reid and his draft picks, McNabb has been telling anyone who'll listen that he belongs in the Hall of Fame. Am I missing something? McNabb must be chewing on peyote out there in Arizona. The peyote will eventually make him throw up, but vomiting is actually familiar territory for Donovan. The guy is delusional and should be sent to an institution, but not the one in Canton, OH. From time to time, teams have to make changes to their rosters during a season. I find that I must make such a change to the Phillies' Four Headed Monster. Because he had raised his batting average above the .300 mark, Ty Wigginton was set to be removed to make room for catcher Brian Scheider, who has up to now displayed absolutely no ability to hit a baseball. Congratulations to Schneider for his consistent lack of ability. Wigginton showed great promise but failed to show the futility required to remain a part of the Four Headed Monster. However, it's beginning to look like the Four Headed Monster needs to be tested for PEDs. Pete Orr and Laynce Nix have also both crested above .300. There is growing clamor for me to come up with a monster squad from the pitching staff. Now that the Four Headed Monster is becoming somewhat less monstrous, I think it may be time to replace the Monster with our middle relief corps. The minors-bound Schwimer certainly would qualify as a check stealer, and Contreras doesn't seem to know where the strike zone is. Herndon and Kendrick are stone cold locks of course. This is getting depressing, but let me suggest a scenario where a suicide watch for all Kool-Aid sippers is in order. The LSF is convinced that Cole Hamels will be wearing the uniform of the Dodgers next year. As you might know, Hamels is in the last year of his current deal. Given that the Phillies already have three pitchers earning over ten million dollar per year, do they have pockets deep enough to give Hamels the kind of money required to keep him here? While still an open question, I think not. Utley and Howard have that money locked up and are doing such a great job with it. Oh, and wouldn't Shane and Chooch like to get paid? But, even if they do offer Hamels mega bucks, why would he want to stay here? The Sillies are in decline. Hamels is a SoCal boy and the Dodgers under their new ownership are a team on the rise. Could the temptation of playing close to his San Diego hometown for a rising power be too much for the Sillies to overcome? I think so. Enjoy him while you can - I see no way for him to be a Phillie in 2013. I had been trying to stay positive about the Phils, but it's been tough. The LSF watches Charlie juggle his lineup, hoping against hope that he can come up with a combination that can score some runs. What a joy it is watching Rollins hit .225 as the lead-off batter. Even if he manages to get on base, he's no longer able to run like he once did. To make matters worse, he's two steps slower on defense as well. So much for the extension he got after last year. He now steals his check on the field as much as Howard and Utley do on their rehab treadmills. Well, there's always the AL. While selecting a "favorite team" I normally opt for a team which gives me no room for positive expectations. It's a way for me to avoid the heartbreak associated with the agony of defeat after defeat. When I chose the Orioles as my AL team for the 2012 season, I did so out of anger - since they had the audacity to resurrect the uniforms worn by the great O's teams of the '60s & '70s. Those uniforms were for guys names Palmer, Brooks, Frank Robinson, Singleton, and all of the others who played for my favorite manager of all time - Earl Weaver. My karma of selecting a team and condemning them to a season of futility has so far not kicked in. In case you haven't been paying attention, the Orioles are now 19-9 and sit atop the AL East after going 5-1 against the Yankees and Red Sox, sweeping the Sox over the weekend. In Sunday's getaway game, the O's won in seventeen innings with the win going to designated hitter Chris Davis after the O's burned up their entire pitching staff. I'm not quite ready to call this year's Birds a team of destiny but, given the choice, I'd ride down to Camden Yards to see a game before going to South Philly to pay $4 for a shot glass of water at Citizen's Bank Park. Which brings us to the wayback machine once again. Raise your hand if you remember the deal that brought Von Hayes to the Phillies? Manny Trillo, Julio Franco, Jay Baller, George Vukovich, and Jerry Willard for Hayes. Turned out to be a trade from hell since Hayes turned out to be a bust. While a terrible trade, it wasn't even the worst made by your Phillies braintrust (see Fergie Jenkins & Ryne Sandberg) and is not my selection for the worst trade I've ever seen. My beloved Orioles were the beneficiaries of the worst trade I've ever seen, when the Cincinnati Reds made a colossal brainfart and agreed to send Frank Robinson to the O's in exchange for Milt Pappas, Jack Baldschun (a member of the infamous '64 Phils), and Dick ".207" Simpson. The good folks of the Queen City should have rioted and burned the ballpark down. Robinson came up in 1956 and promptly hit .290 with 38 homers and 83 RBIs in 152 games. Not too shabby for a rookie. The guys was an exciting player who, during the course of his time in Cincinnati, hit 324 HRs and averaged 100 RBIs with a BA around .300. After the 1965 season, the Reds management decided that Robinson's best years were behind him. The one-time NL MVP would be thirty years old during the upcoming season and, needing pitching, they looked to acquire Milt Pappas from the O's. Pappas had won sixteen games twice for the O's, but was never an elite pitcher. Let's just hope that someone is looking to unload a hot bat with major upside because they covet the golden arm of Joe Blanton.