Monday, October 1, 2012

How 'Bout Them Eagles!

So there I was last night waiting for Boardwalk Empire to come on, and as I waited I was watching the Eagles vs Giants. Chris Collingsworth tried to ruin my mood, but being the stalwart that I am I refused to allow him to alter my good mood. Chris couldn't, but Fat Andrew's charges had me grumbling from the outset.

When the channel guide reminded me to change to HBO I had the impression that when I returned sometime in the 4th quarter Vick might have already been carted off the field. I mean the o-line was missing two starters and the back-ups looked as pathetic as King Dunlap would have - so I figured the flags at the Linc would be at half mast after Vick was run over by Tuck and his friends. How surprised I was to see the Eagles locked in a low scoring contest with the team from N. Jersey, and that they still had a shot of ending the night with a win. After watching B'Walk and Treme I would get to see the end of a close game.

I was right. The game was close, and as you all know the Eagles ended up with yet another 1 point win. They are now 3-1 and sitting atop the NFC East. That's the good news. The bad news is that their combined margin of victory in the three wins is a whopping 4 points. Their record could easily be 0-4 so I suggest holding off on ordering your Super Bowl tickets. You may want to wait a bit before you load up on the Green Kool-Aid at least until you finish all the Red shit that is still in your fridges.

We are told that Fat Boy no longer calls the plays. If that is true then is there any question why Big Marty (Sells Carpets For Less) Mornningham is no longer the head coach of the Detroit Lions. Where was his head during the last Eagle drive that lead to the field goal which gave them the win. Why was Shady McCoy pulled out on third and goal and replaced by someone who's name we can't remember? Why didn't they attempt a Michael Vick option on third down? Beats the shit out of me. And is there any truth to the rumor that on Andrews plastic coated card there are no plays but the numbers of various hot wing and cheesesteak shops that will deliver him some tidbits before his post game "We have to do better" presser? After 14 years of being the head coach - why doesn't he yet have a clue?

As my friend Bob said to me today - they won, be happy. Bob doesn't get it either. I'll be happy when our defensive backs are taught that they cannot tackle tht receivers before they catch the balls. Two pass interference calls that late in the game almost ave Eli Manning the opportunity of pulling another 4th quarter comeback win out of his redneck ass. Shit, he went to Ole Miss which means he may not even be able to read, yet there he was leading the Housewives Of New Jersey down the field. If it wasn't for the offensive interference penalty at the end of the game Tynes would have had a chip shot attempt and the Birds would have ended up with a big loss instead of the win.

The next time El Gordo calls a time out to freeze the kicker, he should be shot. Freezing the kicker on an NFL team is a bit different than doing it to the kicker on a Pee Wee league team. These guys are the best of the best and I've never seen this strategy work. Have you? And it sure looked like Tyne's second attempt was going to be good before falling short by a couple of yards. Though they tried to lose the game they caught a break and are now 3-1.

Enough of the Eagles. I would be remiss if I didn't wish Ryan Howard a good off season. Howard's season ended this past weekend when he dropped a lead practice bat on his foot and broke a toe. I can't be certain, but my bet is that he spit into his batting gloves and the thing slipped out. Again, I'm not certain, but it sounds reasonable to me.

Howard, who is still owed $105,000,000 over the next 4 years of his contract had a helluva year - don't you think. Let's review: The big Piece Of Shit gave us a huge batting average of .219! His OBP came in at .295 ( more like a utility infielder from The DR rather than a teams clutch #4 hitter). He did hit 14 homers which brought his slugging % to .423 and drove in 56 runs after coming back.

Charlie when asked about Howards performance stated that he expected good things out of Howard next year (What else can he say?) When pressed he did acknowledge that Howards 14 HR's & 56 RBI's was not enough.

When asked about his off-season plans Howard said that he planned a vigorous work out regime. He also said that he was thinking of going on a diet sometime in October. I suppose that looking in the mirror isn't very appealing to the Sultan Of Spit and that he would like to lower his weight so that he has a shot to hit his weight next season. Hey Howard: Jumping jacks' ready begin!

I must acknowledge those BALTIMORE ORIOLES who have clinched their first playoff appearence since 1997, and who are tied with the Yankees for the AL East lead. Can you imagine how bad Showalter wants to finish ahead of the Yankees?

On tap this week is the first debate between Obama and the Android man. Romney's people have leaked the news that Romney has been working since August on coming up with zingers to use against the president. Who the fuck does he think he is - Don Rickles? The prick won't tell us how he plans to give the 1% another huge tax cut, spend more on defense than we do now, save medicare and social security, reduce the deficit without putting a huge burden on the middle class, but he's rehearsing a stand-up routine. What's he gonna do call Obama a hockey puck and declare himself the debate winner?

That's it for now. I'm going to do a nice bowl of Ben & Jerry's Heavenly Hash and chill out. I suspect that I'll have some comments after the debate.

Monday, September 24, 2012


At last the baseball season is over - as in finished. The Philadelphia Athletics played their last game yesterday, and the wool uniforms can now be put away until next year. The team did not have a winning season - again - but won some games, had some good times which included Scott going one for three in the season finale. Scott has shown great improvement with the bat this year, but still needs a ton of work in the field. Perhaps if an exception to the no glove rule were made in his behalf he might have a shot in the field, but I am amazed at how well he has been striking the ball this year. I got to see him play at the Navy Yard outing a couple of weeks ago and was as proud as a father could be as I watched him get a hit and score a run. Hey, understand how far he has come. Scott once played an entire little league season with a final batting average of .000! Great job!

Unfortunately the Phillies season still lingers on. I haven't watched a game in a few weeks because as long as the team was going no where - why torture my soul with McCarthy counting pitches and Wheels babbling about whatever he babbles about. Actually I did tune in a couple of weeks ago just to see what baseball would look like in HD. I just picked up a new TV and was amazed at how clearly one could see the spit coming out of Howards mouth as he lungered into his batting gloves. It isn't a pretty sight and small children should not be allowed to see it. Since I haven't been paying attention to the Phillies I was not aware at how well Howard has been doing in the power department now that the games are meaningless for the team. I understand that he has hit hit 4 HR's in the past few games - including a salami. Way to go big piece - maybe next year you can go on a tear and hit your weight.

So, now that I've declared baseball season as over (at least here in Philly) my thoughts have turned to football. How 'bout those Eagles! Well they did start the season with two one point victories. Yesterday they played a team with a very good defense and were torn apart. Not counting yesterdays debacle in Arizona Michael Vick has been hit 56 times where he is knocked to the ground. The guy has no shot of surviving the season intact if that pace is continued. So what's the problem?

Coach Reid or Lord Of Lard continues to amaze me with how stupid or stubborn he is. Hey Andy - when the defense doesn't have to worry about the running game they can come after your Q-back with an attack not seen since the days of the Kamikazee attacks in WW2. What amazes me most is that he has a guy named Shady McCoy who is a talented running back. What is he saving him for? I played on offensive lines in both high school and college and I will swear in any court of law that run blocking is EASIER to do than is pass blocking. The Eagles o-linemen have proven that pass blocking is not shall we say their strong suit - so why not RUN THE FRIGGING BALL!

My plan for watching the games was to watch all of the Eagles games and then go to the NFL Red Zone. Yesterday I found myself in the Red Zone even after the Eagles game had started as I wanted to see teams play that had a chance to win. I recommend that you try this service if you are a football fan. You get to see the best parts of all the games for a reasonable price of about $8.00 a month. For your $8 bucks you get a whole bunch of other sports channels - and if you are in to watching things like soccer or other such waste of time sports you'll be in hog heaven. Do I hear someone out there grumbling about the cost. Hey cheap guy - you probably pay more than that for a six-pack of beer, unless of course you are content to drink PBR, Milwaukee's Best or other such swill.

The best part about the Red Zone is watching it in HD. Every hit is magnified to the point where you wonder how some of these guys can get up after being clobbered by 300lb plus guys running faster than a speeding locomotive. It is truly scary, though thouroughly awesome. Watching guys like Peyton Manning or Tony Romo get flattened is pure joy. (In my opinion it is impossible to hit Peyton too hard or too often.)

There are now just 43 days until we have the opportunity to send Mitt Roboman back to the planet Kobol or wherever the trees are just perfect. What scares me is that this asshole can still win the election. After all his gaffes, after picking Hitler youth member Paul Ryan as the VP nominee, and after conducting a truly stupid and inane campaign the guy is still hanging in there. The beady eyed republican nominee switches his positions almost hourly unless he is addressing a room full of rich guys who have just paid 50 large for a fucking meal! Then he tells the truth. Can you imagine paying 50 grand for a meal that probably isn't any better than the chicken you had at some idiot kids Bar Mitzvah! Ugh!

Seriously, Romney wouldn't have a clue of how the average American lives if you drew him a picture of some schmuck sitting down at the kitchen table trying to pay his bills every month. Hey the guy was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and found that by screwing factory workers he could turn that spoon into 24 karat gold after closing their factories and shipping their jobs to China. Then the guy has the stones to tell us that he will go after the cheaters like China after he becomes president.

He has insulted just about every ethnic group one can imagine just about every time he opens his mouth, yet continuyes to hang in there. What is going on?

Hey WHITE MEN Obama inherited a situation nearly as bad as FDR did back in the '30s, has had a congress where the republican majority leader stated early on that his party would work towards making Obama a one term president and then refused to even vote for policies that were republican ideas. Does it really bother white people that much that when they look at the president they see a black face? It must because they would rather elect a guy who would make them bend over and grab their ankles while he made sure that assholes like him paid far below their fair share of taxes. If Obama were white would these same white guys understand that by getting rid of enviornmental and financial regulations they were being set up for the next bubble to burst? Obviously they just don't get it.

I really have a big problem with my fellow seniors who according to all the polling favor Romney. Duh! Romney tells them that no one on medicare of social security will be affected by what he plans to do with those popular programs. OK grandma, did you know that if elected Romney has promised to repeal Obamacare. One of the provisions of that law is the elimination of the so called donut hole for prescription drugs. I don't know what the cut off is but the donut hole given to us W has a level where seniors get no reimbursement for the cost of their meds from about 3 grand to about 7 grand. After paying the amount required in the donut hole the reimbursement resumes for those still alive after having to choose between meds or food. Hey let me fill you in on a nasty secret that most folks in their 30's or 40's don't deal with very well. If you live long enough shit will start to happen to your health. You will acquire type 2 diabetes because you eat anything you want and join the 60% of Americans who are fat or obese. It costs money to have diabetes. You will have strokes or one of the myriad of cancers, and your doctors will prescribe a variety of meds for you to take on a daily basis. These drugs cost money. I haven't even mentioned doctor bills, which will be considerable if god forbid you need hospitalization or surgery. So how come seniors are supporting Romney by a pretty wide margion? Beats the shit out of me.

My last screed this evening is about Mitt's release of his 2011 tax return this past Friday. Mittster paid an effective rate of 14.1% on about 14 million dollars of income. Hey, you probably pay at a higher rate but rich guys like Romney have a myriad of ways to reduce or avoid paying more - but that isn't my complaint.

He paid the 14.1% rate by not taking about half of the deduction for his charitable contributions- an amount of about 2 million. Had he taken the full deduction his tax rate would have been around 9.5%,not a number Mitt would want disclosed. Here's the rub. Tax law allows each of us three years to file an amended return to our tax returns. If the schmuck loses on Nov 6 I suspect that his amended return will be in the mail on Nov 7. If god forbid he wins - there is no way he still won't file an amended return so that he can claim the entire charitable contribution. What an asshole. Did he think we wouldn't see through this ruse. Hey Mittster - we already know that you are a rich guy - we already know that you have millions in tax avoidance investments in the Caymans, Luxembourg, and in Switzerland.

The big question of course is what all those years of tax returns that he refuses to show contain. Hmmm. I'm curious, aren't you?

But what about the deficit LSF? My advice to anyone who thinks that Romney/Ryan would deal with it is to invite you study the budget proposals formulated by both of these guys. Neither has shown a way to reduce the deficit and in fact whether Romney or Ryans plan was implemented the deficit would explode to the upside.

I've had enough for one night. I can't think about the election any more or I will become so depressed that no amount of sugar free Heavenly Hash will pull me out of the downward spiral.

Take care and atone if that's your thing, or continue down the path towards eternal damnation.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012


For those of you who tune in to my rantings, expecting or even counting on me to write about your beloved Phillies - Im sorry. Look, I told you Red Kool-Aid sippers very early in the 2012 season that your boys in the red pinstripes sucked big time. I told you that they were not a very good baseball team. I spoke to you of the faceless interchangeble white guys and how they would hardly make a positive difference. Some of the faces have surely been changed, but they still are mediocre players helping a very bad team battle it out for last place. They had their run - now repeat after me IT IS OVER. They are going to suck again next year - learn to deal with it.

I must point out to those of you who forgot that I selected the Orioles as my 2012 American League team. Have you noticed the baseball now being played in the Monument City at a place called Camden Yards? Of late they have been kicking ass and taking no prisoners. Way to go Birds!

In 83 days we the people (except those w/o state issued I.D) will decide whether or not we completely surrender our freedom and liberty to the evil forces represented by Romney and as of this past weekend Paul Ryan. The Dark Ages are upon us, but we can still do something about it.

For those of you who are casual observers of our politics - now is the time to sit up and pay the fuck attention. For you Progressives, Liberals, Moderates, and whoever believes in democracy rather than oligarchy YOU NEED TO GIVE A SHIT! You need to figure out that despite any shortcomings Obama may have - he is the only rational choice for those of us who don't have Swiss Bank Accounts, own a dressage horse, and understand that  Paul Ryan is a despicable excuse for a human being.

If you pay attention to what Romney and Ryan believe, who they are beholden to, and what the implementation of their policies would do to the middle classes, the poor, minorities, and women and you still say that you haven't made up your mind about how you are going to vote then you are an absolute moron. For real, an absolute cretin who should not be allowed to vote even with the proper I.D. How could anyone with a non-diseased mind agree with and vote for anyone whose philosophy about government, compassion, was ripped from the pages of a novel written by the Russian-Atheist Ayn Rand. Steven King couldn't make this up. Ayn Rand's novels were the rage when I was a young person and I read Atlas Shrugged in school. (It may have been the Cliff Notes version) Even I knew what happy horseshit her views were, and certainly not the stuff anyone should take seriously. Paul Ryan swears by here, though he now claims that he didn't know she was an atheist. Of course he knew. Look, when someone loves your ideas and patterns his own philosophy after the pages he read in a couple of novels he would most certainly want to know eveything he could about you. Ryan would have discovered Rand's atheism and her Russian ethnicity. She kept neither a secret. Why lie about something that innocuous?

Hypocrite Ryan speaks of how important his family and faith are to him. He likes to tell people that he is a devout catholic. Well, I'm a lapsed Jew, and even I know that Christians are taught that they will be judged by how they treat the least of us. Well, his own church has described his budget as being immoral for failing to address the needs of those at the bottom. And who the hell is he to make decisions about a womans right to choose the best options in dealing with their unique health and reproductive issues. As far as I'm concerned, Romney and Ryan can have all the Neanderthal beliefs that they want but they   do not have the right to impose those beliefs on any other human being.

I could go on for days, and speak to the economy, the banks, the 'special interests', but I'll deal with the economy in my next post. I want to finish tonight with a shout out for The Honorable Robert Simpson. (why do we confer Honorable on someone who is a judge. Shouldn't they have to earn the title?)

Earlier today Judge Robert Simpson ruled that the Pennsylvania Voter I.D. law was fine the way it is and its particulars wouldn't create an onerous burden on an electorate who use photo I.D.'s in every day life. I suppose you know that this bright boy is a republican, and if you didn't know it is time to turn off your facebook, twitter and whatever other social media you use to hide and learn some important shit.

The good guys are appealing this Nazi judge's decision, but who knows where that is going. But, what can I do LSF - I'm only one person. Here's something - and it wouldn't cost a dime. When speaking to people, ask them if they have the proper I.D. Ask the fucking question. Remind them, that without it - they will not be allowed to vote. If they don't drive offer to take them to where they can get the I.D. which the state is not charging a fee for. Call your elected representatives and ask what they are doing about the situation - and maybe even offer some time to help. I'm not just talking out of my ass - The Long Suffering Fan has been doing this, and I am proud to report that 4 people now have the I.D. needed and are registered to vote. It took little of my time, and virtually no effort convincing them. I basically told them that they were going to get the I.D. Hey, hard was selling boys jackets with pink sherpa lined collars - getting someone to register was and is easy when you explain what will happen to them or their loved ones if Romney wins.

That's it for now.

Monday, August 6, 2012


On and on for the past couple of years I would sit down and share a few thoughts with whoever cared to see them. I use the term thoughts loosely since most of the time I've just been sharing the rantings of a long time Phillies fan who has seen more than his share of baseball futility and despair. I've seen the Phillies show me ways to lose that were not to be believed - but since I have seen them screw up this game from the '50's to the 21st century I have become a believer.

There have been times when this team of ours played great - I refer you to the Dallas Green era, and the current edition who for the past several years have exceeded all of our expectations. I've enjoyed watching the team win, but as you should know the salad days are over. What we have now is a team in decline, a team that is filled with overpaid over the hill losers who will surely break your hearts if you continue to sip the kool-aid and believe that next year will return the team to glory. If you believe that, then you also must believe that Mitt Romney gives a shit about the middle class and that if elected he will create the 12,000,000 jobs he is promising. He will break your heart, just like mine was broken the other day when I received an e-mail from my editor telling me that he was no longer going to edit and then pass on my rantings. My only son had designated me for assignment.

His e-mail included a link so I could continue to post my rantings without his help. It's taken me a week to even attempt to do this. I am a card carrying techno-idiot who has no clue when it comes to the technology most of you take for granted. I have been known to have anxiety attacks while turning my computer on, so having to figure out how to get the thing to work has provided me with a great deal of stress. While I fully acknowledge my anxiety about technology, the long suffering fan did at one time know how to use a slide rule. I had to learn because hand held calculators hadn't been invented when teachers were trying to teach me algebra and other forms of mathematical exotica. I wonder how many of you have ever seen a slide rule, let alone know how to use one.

Anyhow, back to my former editor. Forcing me to figure this shit out by myself was not a very nice thing to do to the guy who used to watch Scott in right field playing with bugs and buttercups instead of paying attention to the game his teamates were playing. We learned early on that right field wasn't his best position. Actually we never did learn what his best position was.

I certainly know that he didn't put me on the waiver wire because he didn't have the time at work to edit my postings, since at work he spends his time doing all sorts of things besides work, and when he has played too hard at his desk, he strolls the campus marveling at the scenery. I hold no grudge, but my pain will never go away, and I'll have to do an extra bowl or two to mitigate my pain.

Let's move on. So have you been watching the Olympics? You know, the games where Bob Costa's is trying to get you all excited about an event they will show you after 37 commercial breaks. He must be on another planet. Yesterday he was hyping the 100 meter men's final, and trying to create tension and the drama of our collective anticipation. "Will Bolt retain his world's fastest man title?" Stay tuned he exhorted us because that race is coming right up! Duh! Hey Bob, the race is over. Bolt set a new olympic record. Maybe Bob was talking to the three or four human beings on the planet who didn't already know the result.

Now I've tried to watch some of the coverage, but I'm sorry, I have no interest in watching water polo. I was a shot putter, but not one throw has been broadcast while there hasn't been a day when I didn't turn the set on to find Croatia playing Serbia or some other lovely country the game of water polo. Don't they know that Americans don't know shit about that game. I mean what the hell is an exclusion? The other thing they showed - at least on my TV was women's field hockey. Why? And then they showed a men's field hockey game. I didn't know that men played that game - did you.

My favorite olympic activity is dressage. Dressage is a 'sport' that very rich people with too much time on their hands engage in -see Ann Romney. Give me a break. I teach women how to dance while the horsey set teach horses how to dance. The best part is that the Romney's took a tax write off in excess of 70 grand for the training and feeding of their horse. There ought to be a law against that sort of thing - I mean this clown wants to embrace the tax policies of  Paul Ryan which will disallow tax credits for he working class, but have no problem writing off the expenses of a fucking horse. And you wonder why I get so cranky. I'm convinced that the owners of dressage horses are the same people who own the dogs that show at Westminster. May they all develop an incurable rash where the sun don't shine.

So Mitt won't respond to our calls for him to show us his tax returns. We all know that he is a very rich bitch so what is he afraid of? He gives the impression that he is hiding something. What he's afraid of us finding out is disconcerting to me, and actually makes no sense. Mitt must not be as smart as he wants us to think because to make this controversy go away all he has to do is release his returns. Oh sure, if he did so, the democrats will rant and rave for a few days, but then the discussion will move on to something else.

I mean we could then start talking about his plan for tax reform. This asshole wants to not only extend the Bush cuts, but wants to give himself and others like him additional cuts. This would require him to raise taxes on everybody else in order for the deficit not to grow significantly larger than it is now. Nobody enjoys paying taxes - I understand that, but this guy has to avoid going to Italy because the Italian government will arrest him for Bain Capital avoiding the payment of taxes on the profits the company made while Mitt was in charge. Don't believe me - look it up.What is it with Republicans - Dick Cheney can't set foot in Europe because he is wanted there, and now we learn that Romney can't set foot in Italy.

And have you noticed - every time something is uncovered that touches a nerve on Romney's androidal body, the birther crazies are called out of their caves to tell us that
Obama's birth certificate is a confirmed forgery. Would they hate him so much if he was white? You know that answer to that - I hope. I'll close tonight with one thought. Obama was born in Hawaii; he is Christian; and he is smarter than most of us.

I'll check in again soon, but now I have to watch Gabby Douglas finish last on the uneven bars. NBC doesn't want me to know that, but I do.

I would be remiss if I didn't extend my condolences to Andy Reid and his family over the loss of their son. I can't imagine his pain, and hope he is able to find a way to deal with it.

Monday, May 14, 2012


The other day, Cole Hamels grew a pair and plunked Bryce Harper in the back. I was amazed. Hamels has rarely showed signs of manhood during his career. It was nice to see that he could not tolerate a rookie asshole like Harper prancing around the league as if he were the best of the best. In his first ten days as a Major Leaguer, Harper has rubbed a lot of the other teams the wrong way by showing no humility with a major dose of grandstanding. I do have to give the kid some credit for the way he handled himself. He never looked at Hamels and ended up stealing home when Hamels made a lame pickoff attempt to first. Now, while the thought of hitting Brycehole was a good one, the execution by Hamels was hardly the stuff that dreams are made of. Don Drysdale (no stranger to throwing high & tight) has been dead for many years, but he has returned to the land of the living to comment on the Hamels-Harper affair. According to Drysdale, the Gods of Pitchers Past are embarrassed and angry because the correct way to "welcome" a guy to the show is by throwing at his head - not his back. Drysdale then stated, "When I heard that Hamels had admitted hitting the punk intentionally, I couldn't believe what I was hearing. You don't ever admit that. When asked - you lie. You tell the press that, just as you were releasing the pitch, you felt tremors from an earthquake somewhere and that the tremors caused the ball to go where it did." Drysdale returned to the afterlife after stating his wish that Hamels not ever play for his beloved Dodgers. Bob Gibson, known during his career as a guy who wasn't afraid of throwing at hitters, has asked the Cardinals to activate him for one last game - the next time The Nats & Brycehole play in St. Louis. Gibson's comeback will be limited to one Brycehole at-bat. During this at-bat the 76 year-old, who last pitched in 1975, plans to hit Brycehole in such a way that the kid will be unable to continue in the game. After Harper is carried off the field, Gibson will announce his retirement. Reports have come in of area sewers overflowing with a strange orange liquid - all the Kool-Aid you Flyers fans are dumping into the streets. Thank God that hockey season is finally over here in Philly. No more interviews where I have to listen to morons speak Canadian. There is some good news in their loss to the Devils. If you haven't gotten around to buying your Flyers bandwagon paraphernalia yet, Modell's will be dumping the shit at half-price. So, the Flyers are done, the Sixers will be done soon, and you either need to double down on the Sillies or start doing shit with your spouse or girlfriend. All the honest men know that they'll turn their attention completely to the Candystripers. The faithful will bow to the false messiah called hope - The hope that will come when Howard & Utley return. Good luck with that dream because it ain't gonna happen. The 2012 edition of the Sillies are competitive in their division and the return of UtHo won't change that dynamic. Enough of our Philly teams. They depress me, so I've changed the channel and have just heard Romney basically call for a U.S. attack on Iran. Speaker Boehner today also said it was time to attack Iran. Who the fuck ARE these people? In Indiana, seven term Senator Richard Lugar has been beaten in a primary by a Tea Partier. Now, Lugar was never my favorite senator but I surely don't want another National Socialist in the Senate! Republicans have collectively lost their minds and souls. If they win in November, turn around and grab your ankles. The only way I'd support a military strike on Iran would be if all five of Romney's sons were required to serve in combat roles. Hell, we'll even make his eldest son Tagg an officer - an officer in charge of a bomb disposal unit. Hey, I've been disappointed with Obama, but unless you're part of the 1% - there is no choice. Obama has sometimes shown himself to be gutless but he doesn't want to probe any lady not named Michelle, nor does he spend very much time fixated on what gay men do with each other. The man would at least attempt to create a fair deal. The funniest thing about a Romney Presidency would be the looks of horror on the faces of White America when Romney costs them their jobs, their savings, and their future. If you would like Romney to make appointments to the Supreme Court, please don't read my shit anymore - just go away.

Friday, May 11, 2012

Bryce Harper Is A Punk!

The other day, the Nationals called up Bryce Harper to take Ryan Zimmerman's place on their roster now that Zimmmerman has found a home on the DL. Harper, the 2010 first round pick in the MLB draft has been described as a "can't miss" phenom, able to both walk on water and leap tall buildings in a single bound. Not bad for a nineteen year old kid. Harper, who was hitting a far-from-Ruthian .250 in AAA made his first start against the Dodgers on Saturday and got his first MLB hit in his second at-bat. The kid's first hit was a double. So far, so good - but not so fast. After rounding first, while halfway to second, he threw his batting helmet off with his right arm and went onto second without it. What a punk ass move that was. It's one thing if the thing comes off by itself, but this asshole must have wanted the world to see his face in all it's acned glory. Who does he think he is - Willie Mays? Mays often lost his cap while running, but he never took it off himself. Harper may turn out to be a great ball player, but the LSF would rather see this punk turn out to be a complete bust and a loser. We'll have to see. As for the NFL draft and the Lord of Lard's picks, I have no snarky remarks to make. Needing help on the DL, the Large One selected Fletcher Cox, a DE from Mississippi State. I would have preferred the pick to be Devon Still from Penn State, but Reid never picks players from Penn State, no matter how good they are. I haven't heard of any of the other picks either since I do not watch games from the schools our picks attended. What I do know about Cox is that the ability to read was not a requirement to being accepted at Mississippi State. I hope the guy can at least read a playbook, but who knows. Actually, it wouldn't have mattered who the Eagles chose, since there will be no Super Bowl wins while the Far Man is in charge. My friend Bob gave me some happy horseshit about my constant negativity in this regard, but so far I've been right about Reid. So, until they prove me wrong, I'll stick to my guns. While on the subject of Andy Reid and his draft picks, McNabb has been telling anyone who'll listen that he belongs in the Hall of Fame. Am I missing something? McNabb must be chewing on peyote out there in Arizona. The peyote will eventually make him throw up, but vomiting is actually familiar territory for Donovan. The guy is delusional and should be sent to an institution, but not the one in Canton, OH. From time to time, teams have to make changes to their rosters during a season. I find that I must make such a change to the Phillies' Four Headed Monster. Because he had raised his batting average above the .300 mark, Ty Wigginton was set to be removed to make room for catcher Brian Scheider, who has up to now displayed absolutely no ability to hit a baseball. Congratulations to Schneider for his consistent lack of ability. Wigginton showed great promise but failed to show the futility required to remain a part of the Four Headed Monster. However, it's beginning to look like the Four Headed Monster needs to be tested for PEDs. Pete Orr and Laynce Nix have also both crested above .300. There is growing clamor for me to come up with a monster squad from the pitching staff. Now that the Four Headed Monster is becoming somewhat less monstrous, I think it may be time to replace the Monster with our middle relief corps. The minors-bound Schwimer certainly would qualify as a check stealer, and Contreras doesn't seem to know where the strike zone is. Herndon and Kendrick are stone cold locks of course. This is getting depressing, but let me suggest a scenario where a suicide watch for all Kool-Aid sippers is in order. The LSF is convinced that Cole Hamels will be wearing the uniform of the Dodgers next year. As you might know, Hamels is in the last year of his current deal. Given that the Phillies already have three pitchers earning over ten million dollar per year, do they have pockets deep enough to give Hamels the kind of money required to keep him here? While still an open question, I think not. Utley and Howard have that money locked up and are doing such a great job with it. Oh, and wouldn't Shane and Chooch like to get paid? But, even if they do offer Hamels mega bucks, why would he want to stay here? The Sillies are in decline. Hamels is a SoCal boy and the Dodgers under their new ownership are a team on the rise. Could the temptation of playing close to his San Diego hometown for a rising power be too much for the Sillies to overcome? I think so. Enjoy him while you can - I see no way for him to be a Phillie in 2013. I had been trying to stay positive about the Phils, but it's been tough. The LSF watches Charlie juggle his lineup, hoping against hope that he can come up with a combination that can score some runs. What a joy it is watching Rollins hit .225 as the lead-off batter. Even if he manages to get on base, he's no longer able to run like he once did. To make matters worse, he's two steps slower on defense as well. So much for the extension he got after last year. He now steals his check on the field as much as Howard and Utley do on their rehab treadmills. Well, there's always the AL. While selecting a "favorite team" I normally opt for a team which gives me no room for positive expectations. It's a way for me to avoid the heartbreak associated with the agony of defeat after defeat. When I chose the Orioles as my AL team for the 2012 season, I did so out of anger - since they had the audacity to resurrect the uniforms worn by the great O's teams of the '60s & '70s. Those uniforms were for guys names Palmer, Brooks, Frank Robinson, Singleton, and all of the others who played for my favorite manager of all time - Earl Weaver. My karma of selecting a team and condemning them to a season of futility has so far not kicked in. In case you haven't been paying attention, the Orioles are now 19-9 and sit atop the AL East after going 5-1 against the Yankees and Red Sox, sweeping the Sox over the weekend. In Sunday's getaway game, the O's won in seventeen innings with the win going to designated hitter Chris Davis after the O's burned up their entire pitching staff. I'm not quite ready to call this year's Birds a team of destiny but, given the choice, I'd ride down to Camden Yards to see a game before going to South Philly to pay $4 for a shot glass of water at Citizen's Bank Park. Which brings us to the wayback machine once again. Raise your hand if you remember the deal that brought Von Hayes to the Phillies? Manny Trillo, Julio Franco, Jay Baller, George Vukovich, and Jerry Willard for Hayes. Turned out to be a trade from hell since Hayes turned out to be a bust. While a terrible trade, it wasn't even the worst made by your Phillies braintrust (see Fergie Jenkins & Ryne Sandberg) and is not my selection for the worst trade I've ever seen. My beloved Orioles were the beneficiaries of the worst trade I've ever seen, when the Cincinnati Reds made a colossal brainfart and agreed to send Frank Robinson to the O's in exchange for Milt Pappas, Jack Baldschun (a member of the infamous '64 Phils), and Dick ".207" Simpson. The good folks of the Queen City should have rioted and burned the ballpark down. Robinson came up in 1956 and promptly hit .290 with 38 homers and 83 RBIs in 152 games. Not too shabby for a rookie. The guys was an exciting player who, during the course of his time in Cincinnati, hit 324 HRs and averaged 100 RBIs with a BA around .300. After the 1965 season, the Reds management decided that Robinson's best years were behind him. The one-time NL MVP would be thirty years old during the upcoming season and, needing pitching, they looked to acquire Milt Pappas from the O's. Pappas had won sixteen games twice for the O's, but was never an elite pitcher. Let's just hope that someone is looking to unload a hot bat with major upside because they covet the golden arm of Joe Blanton.

Friday, April 27, 2012


I am beginning this late on Saturday, 4/21/12. I have no idea how long it will take for me to finish this (I have already smoked my medication for the evening), nor how long the endangered species that is the U.S. Postal Service will take to deliver it to my stenographer/son. Between running some errands, I've watched bits & pieces of the Yankees-Red Sox game, the film Moneyball, and the ninth inning of the Pale Sox-Mariners game where Humber pitched the 21st perfect game in MLB history. Those of you who bothered to read the title of this post can be forgiven if you thought that it referred to Humber's effort. It does not. Perfection this evening refers to current Boston manager Bobby Valentine. Valentine, a member of the Asshole Hall of Fame, has had a tough week or so. In the eyes of the LSF, however, his trials and tribulations have been just perfect. Valentine started his week of perfection by questioning the heart and hustle of his third baseman, Kevin Youkilis - a BoSox fan favorite ever since the '04 season when he helped the Beantowners win their first World Series title in six centuries. Valentine was pilloried by guys like Sal from Worcester on the sports radio call-in shows as well as by Youkilis' teammate Dustin Pedroia. Valentine might have gotten away with his ill-advised remarks if the Sox had started winning. Well, that didn't happen and I enjoyed watching the weasel squirm and make faces as the Sox continued their losing ways to, of all teams, the Yankees on the 100th Anniversary of the opening of their beloved Fenway Park. In today's game, the Boston bats exploded for nine runs and were looking like they were going to give Valentine a game without misery. The Yankees then proceeded to score fifteen unanswered runs and won the game 15-9. Perfection occurred every time Valentine walked to the mound to change pitchers. He was lustily booed by the sellout crowd at Fenway each and every time he showed his tight ass. To me, that was a perfect joy. I normally despise the Yankees as any good baseball fan from outside of their home territory should, but not today. After the nine runs they gave up, they truly became the Bronx Bombers once again with the hitting clinic they put on. One can only hope that the Yankees can continue to terrorize Valentine and his charges in tomorrow's game. After that, I would greatly enjoy it if the Yankees lost their next seven or eight in a row. That would please me. After raising the specter of one of the greatest team collapses in Philly sports history, the Flyers were able to win their opening round series with the Penguins. The LSF offers his congratulations to Flyers fans everywhere, but certainly advises against slurping gallons of orange Kool-Aid. After all, these are the Flyers and the odds are that they will forget how to skate - especially if they have to face the Rangers. So, enjoy the high while you can, but drink responsibly. Before turning my attention to the Sillies, I must remind you that the NFL Draft begins Thursday - and I am worried. Remember last year when the Lord of Lard selected a 27 year old fireman to be his new starting tackle? This guy was going to be the ultimate protection for Michael Vick - the guy who was going to be the guy who would prevent Vick from being knocked silly every time he dropped back to throw the ball. Remember how well last year's pick worked out? Danny Watkins was so pathetic that he wasn't even active for the first half of the season. Even after he began playing, he didn't exactly put on a blocking clinic, so you'll understand my apprehension about Fat Andy's judgement as we move into this year's draft. The team needs a lot of help. From safety to linebacker to both sides of the line. His Enormousness will probably go with a guy from BYU who has spent the last two years at Jewish old age homes trying to convert the residents to Mormonism on their death beds. Can you imagine trying to get an old biddy named Rivka to become a Mormon? I can't either, just as I can't imagine Andy Reid doing the right thing with the draft picks. So, you've been waiting for the Phillies bats to come alive. You've been waiting for Jim Thome to put a ball into orbit. Sorry gang, but their bats are still dead and Thome is a stellar two-for-seventeen as of the end of the Padres series. The rest of the four-headed monster hasn't comported themselves much better either. John Mayberry is now batting around .150 and doesn't look ready to make anyone forget his father. It could be a very long season. Doc & the rest of the starting five went into the Padres series leading the league with a 2.29 ERA. At the end of the series, Doc had lost his first game of the season after giving up a staggering TWO runs. Lee pitched a throwback ten innings, the team lost, and he went on the DL. Sunday saw Blanton get shellacked by a team wearing camouflage jerseys. The way the Phils are playing, the Padres could have shown up wearing thongs and the Phils would have laid down like the bums that they are. In today's Daily News, Charlie is quoted as saying that the team is "not playing well." Really? Wow, I didn't know that. Did you? Charlie's patience must be wearing thin, and I wonder how long it will be before his head explodes. No jury in Philadelphia would convict him if he beat one of the players to death with a bat in the dugout between innings. How cool would it be if, after beating two or three players, he turned on Ruben Amaro. The Diamondbacks are next for the Sillies, and the possibilities for the team to reverse their fortunes against the D-Backs do not look great. It's no wonder that the LSF is about to stop following the team much earlier than in previous season. I could be wrong. For now, however, I wouldn't bet the farm on these not-so-loveable losers. [Editor's note - This was funny to type now, after the Phils beat down Arizona.]