PERFECTION!

I am beginning this late on Saturday, 4/21/12. I have no idea how long it will take for me to finish this (I have already smoked my medication for the evening), nor how long the endangered species that is the U.S. Postal Service will take to deliver it to my stenographer/son. Between running some errands, I've watched bits & pieces of the Yankees-Red Sox game, the film Moneyball, and the ninth inning of the Pale Sox-Mariners game where Humber pitched the 21st perfect game in MLB history. Those of you who bothered to read the title of this post can be forgiven if you thought that it referred to Humber's effort. It does not. Perfection this evening refers to current Boston manager Bobby Valentine. Valentine, a member of the Asshole Hall of Fame, has had a tough week or so. In the eyes of the LSF, however, his trials and tribulations have been just perfect. Valentine started his week of perfection by questioning the heart and hustle of his third baseman, Kevin Youkilis - a BoSox fan favorite ever since the '04 season when he helped the Beantowners win their first World Series title in six centuries. Valentine was pilloried by guys like Sal from Worcester on the sports radio call-in shows as well as by Youkilis' teammate Dustin Pedroia. Valentine might have gotten away with his ill-advised remarks if the Sox had started winning. Well, that didn't happen and I enjoyed watching the weasel squirm and make faces as the Sox continued their losing ways to, of all teams, the Yankees on the 100th Anniversary of the opening of their beloved Fenway Park. In today's game, the Boston bats exploded for nine runs and were looking like they were going to give Valentine a game without misery. The Yankees then proceeded to score fifteen unanswered runs and won the game 15-9. Perfection occurred every time Valentine walked to the mound to change pitchers. He was lustily booed by the sellout crowd at Fenway each and every time he showed his tight ass. To me, that was a perfect joy. I normally despise the Yankees as any good baseball fan from outside of their home territory should, but not today. After the nine runs they gave up, they truly became the Bronx Bombers once again with the hitting clinic they put on. One can only hope that the Yankees can continue to terrorize Valentine and his charges in tomorrow's game. After that, I would greatly enjoy it if the Yankees lost their next seven or eight in a row. That would please me. After raising the specter of one of the greatest team collapses in Philly sports history, the Flyers were able to win their opening round series with the Penguins. The LSF offers his congratulations to Flyers fans everywhere, but certainly advises against slurping gallons of orange Kool-Aid. After all, these are the Flyers and the odds are that they will forget how to skate - especially if they have to face the Rangers. So, enjoy the high while you can, but drink responsibly. Before turning my attention to the Sillies, I must remind you that the NFL Draft begins Thursday - and I am worried. Remember last year when the Lord of Lard selected a 27 year old fireman to be his new starting tackle? This guy was going to be the ultimate protection for Michael Vick - the guy who was going to be the guy who would prevent Vick from being knocked silly every time he dropped back to throw the ball. Remember how well last year's pick worked out? Danny Watkins was so pathetic that he wasn't even active for the first half of the season. Even after he began playing, he didn't exactly put on a blocking clinic, so you'll understand my apprehension about Fat Andy's judgement as we move into this year's draft. The team needs a lot of help. From safety to linebacker to both sides of the line. His Enormousness will probably go with a guy from BYU who has spent the last two years at Jewish old age homes trying to convert the residents to Mormonism on their death beds. Can you imagine trying to get an old biddy named Rivka to become a Mormon? I can't either, just as I can't imagine Andy Reid doing the right thing with the draft picks. So, you've been waiting for the Phillies bats to come alive. You've been waiting for Jim Thome to put a ball into orbit. Sorry gang, but their bats are still dead and Thome is a stellar two-for-seventeen as of the end of the Padres series. The rest of the four-headed monster hasn't comported themselves much better either. John Mayberry is now batting around .150 and doesn't look ready to make anyone forget his father. It could be a very long season. Doc & the rest of the starting five went into the Padres series leading the league with a 2.29 ERA. At the end of the series, Doc had lost his first game of the season after giving up a staggering TWO runs. Lee pitched a throwback ten innings, the team lost, and he went on the DL. Sunday saw Blanton get shellacked by a team wearing camouflage jerseys. The way the Phils are playing, the Padres could have shown up wearing thongs and the Phils would have laid down like the bums that they are. In today's Daily News, Charlie is quoted as saying that the team is "not playing well." Really? Wow, I didn't know that. Did you? Charlie's patience must be wearing thin, and I wonder how long it will be before his head explodes. No jury in Philadelphia would convict him if he beat one of the players to death with a bat in the dugout between innings. How cool would it be if, after beating two or three players, he turned on Ruben Amaro. The Diamondbacks are next for the Sillies, and the possibilities for the team to reverse their fortunes against the D-Backs do not look great. It's no wonder that the LSF is about to stop following the team much earlier than in previous season. I could be wrong. For now, however, I wouldn't bet the farm on these not-so-loveable losers. [Editor's note - This was funny to type now, after the Phils beat down Arizona.]