Friday, May 11, 2012

Bryce Harper Is A Punk!

The other day, the Nationals called up Bryce Harper to take Ryan Zimmerman's place on their roster now that Zimmmerman has found a home on the DL. Harper, the 2010 first round pick in the MLB draft has been described as a "can't miss" phenom, able to both walk on water and leap tall buildings in a single bound. Not bad for a nineteen year old kid. Harper, who was hitting a far-from-Ruthian .250 in AAA made his first start against the Dodgers on Saturday and got his first MLB hit in his second at-bat. The kid's first hit was a double. So far, so good - but not so fast. After rounding first, while halfway to second, he threw his batting helmet off with his right arm and went onto second without it. What a punk ass move that was. It's one thing if the thing comes off by itself, but this asshole must have wanted the world to see his face in all it's acned glory. Who does he think he is - Willie Mays? Mays often lost his cap while running, but he never took it off himself. Harper may turn out to be a great ball player, but the LSF would rather see this punk turn out to be a complete bust and a loser. We'll have to see. As for the NFL draft and the Lord of Lard's picks, I have no snarky remarks to make. Needing help on the DL, the Large One selected Fletcher Cox, a DE from Mississippi State. I would have preferred the pick to be Devon Still from Penn State, but Reid never picks players from Penn State, no matter how good they are. I haven't heard of any of the other picks either since I do not watch games from the schools our picks attended. What I do know about Cox is that the ability to read was not a requirement to being accepted at Mississippi State. I hope the guy can at least read a playbook, but who knows. Actually, it wouldn't have mattered who the Eagles chose, since there will be no Super Bowl wins while the Far Man is in charge. My friend Bob gave me some happy horseshit about my constant negativity in this regard, but so far I've been right about Reid. So, until they prove me wrong, I'll stick to my guns. While on the subject of Andy Reid and his draft picks, McNabb has been telling anyone who'll listen that he belongs in the Hall of Fame. Am I missing something? McNabb must be chewing on peyote out there in Arizona. The peyote will eventually make him throw up, but vomiting is actually familiar territory for Donovan. The guy is delusional and should be sent to an institution, but not the one in Canton, OH. From time to time, teams have to make changes to their rosters during a season. I find that I must make such a change to the Phillies' Four Headed Monster. Because he had raised his batting average above the .300 mark, Ty Wigginton was set to be removed to make room for catcher Brian Scheider, who has up to now displayed absolutely no ability to hit a baseball. Congratulations to Schneider for his consistent lack of ability. Wigginton showed great promise but failed to show the futility required to remain a part of the Four Headed Monster. However, it's beginning to look like the Four Headed Monster needs to be tested for PEDs. Pete Orr and Laynce Nix have also both crested above .300. There is growing clamor for me to come up with a monster squad from the pitching staff. Now that the Four Headed Monster is becoming somewhat less monstrous, I think it may be time to replace the Monster with our middle relief corps. The minors-bound Schwimer certainly would qualify as a check stealer, and Contreras doesn't seem to know where the strike zone is. Herndon and Kendrick are stone cold locks of course. This is getting depressing, but let me suggest a scenario where a suicide watch for all Kool-Aid sippers is in order. The LSF is convinced that Cole Hamels will be wearing the uniform of the Dodgers next year. As you might know, Hamels is in the last year of his current deal. Given that the Phillies already have three pitchers earning over ten million dollar per year, do they have pockets deep enough to give Hamels the kind of money required to keep him here? While still an open question, I think not. Utley and Howard have that money locked up and are doing such a great job with it. Oh, and wouldn't Shane and Chooch like to get paid? But, even if they do offer Hamels mega bucks, why would he want to stay here? The Sillies are in decline. Hamels is a SoCal boy and the Dodgers under their new ownership are a team on the rise. Could the temptation of playing close to his San Diego hometown for a rising power be too much for the Sillies to overcome? I think so. Enjoy him while you can - I see no way for him to be a Phillie in 2013. I had been trying to stay positive about the Phils, but it's been tough. The LSF watches Charlie juggle his lineup, hoping against hope that he can come up with a combination that can score some runs. What a joy it is watching Rollins hit .225 as the lead-off batter. Even if he manages to get on base, he's no longer able to run like he once did. To make matters worse, he's two steps slower on defense as well. So much for the extension he got after last year. He now steals his check on the field as much as Howard and Utley do on their rehab treadmills. Well, there's always the AL. While selecting a "favorite team" I normally opt for a team which gives me no room for positive expectations. It's a way for me to avoid the heartbreak associated with the agony of defeat after defeat. When I chose the Orioles as my AL team for the 2012 season, I did so out of anger - since they had the audacity to resurrect the uniforms worn by the great O's teams of the '60s & '70s. Those uniforms were for guys names Palmer, Brooks, Frank Robinson, Singleton, and all of the others who played for my favorite manager of all time - Earl Weaver. My karma of selecting a team and condemning them to a season of futility has so far not kicked in. In case you haven't been paying attention, the Orioles are now 19-9 and sit atop the AL East after going 5-1 against the Yankees and Red Sox, sweeping the Sox over the weekend. In Sunday's getaway game, the O's won in seventeen innings with the win going to designated hitter Chris Davis after the O's burned up their entire pitching staff. I'm not quite ready to call this year's Birds a team of destiny but, given the choice, I'd ride down to Camden Yards to see a game before going to South Philly to pay $4 for a shot glass of water at Citizen's Bank Park. Which brings us to the wayback machine once again. Raise your hand if you remember the deal that brought Von Hayes to the Phillies? Manny Trillo, Julio Franco, Jay Baller, George Vukovich, and Jerry Willard for Hayes. Turned out to be a trade from hell since Hayes turned out to be a bust. While a terrible trade, it wasn't even the worst made by your Phillies braintrust (see Fergie Jenkins & Ryne Sandberg) and is not my selection for the worst trade I've ever seen. My beloved Orioles were the beneficiaries of the worst trade I've ever seen, when the Cincinnati Reds made a colossal brainfart and agreed to send Frank Robinson to the O's in exchange for Milt Pappas, Jack Baldschun (a member of the infamous '64 Phils), and Dick ".207" Simpson. The good folks of the Queen City should have rioted and burned the ballpark down. Robinson came up in 1956 and promptly hit .290 with 38 homers and 83 RBIs in 152 games. Not too shabby for a rookie. The guys was an exciting player who, during the course of his time in Cincinnati, hit 324 HRs and averaged 100 RBIs with a BA around .300. After the 1965 season, the Reds management decided that Robinson's best years were behind him. The one-time NL MVP would be thirty years old during the upcoming season and, needing pitching, they looked to acquire Milt Pappas from the O's. Pappas had won sixteen games twice for the O's, but was never an elite pitcher. Let's just hope that someone is looking to unload a hot bat with major upside because they covet the golden arm of Joe Blanton.

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