Monday, May 14, 2012


The other day, Cole Hamels grew a pair and plunked Bryce Harper in the back. I was amazed. Hamels has rarely showed signs of manhood during his career. It was nice to see that he could not tolerate a rookie asshole like Harper prancing around the league as if he were the best of the best. In his first ten days as a Major Leaguer, Harper has rubbed a lot of the other teams the wrong way by showing no humility with a major dose of grandstanding. I do have to give the kid some credit for the way he handled himself. He never looked at Hamels and ended up stealing home when Hamels made a lame pickoff attempt to first. Now, while the thought of hitting Brycehole was a good one, the execution by Hamels was hardly the stuff that dreams are made of. Don Drysdale (no stranger to throwing high & tight) has been dead for many years, but he has returned to the land of the living to comment on the Hamels-Harper affair. According to Drysdale, the Gods of Pitchers Past are embarrassed and angry because the correct way to "welcome" a guy to the show is by throwing at his head - not his back. Drysdale then stated, "When I heard that Hamels had admitted hitting the punk intentionally, I couldn't believe what I was hearing. You don't ever admit that. When asked - you lie. You tell the press that, just as you were releasing the pitch, you felt tremors from an earthquake somewhere and that the tremors caused the ball to go where it did." Drysdale returned to the afterlife after stating his wish that Hamels not ever play for his beloved Dodgers. Bob Gibson, known during his career as a guy who wasn't afraid of throwing at hitters, has asked the Cardinals to activate him for one last game - the next time The Nats & Brycehole play in St. Louis. Gibson's comeback will be limited to one Brycehole at-bat. During this at-bat the 76 year-old, who last pitched in 1975, plans to hit Brycehole in such a way that the kid will be unable to continue in the game. After Harper is carried off the field, Gibson will announce his retirement. Reports have come in of area sewers overflowing with a strange orange liquid - all the Kool-Aid you Flyers fans are dumping into the streets. Thank God that hockey season is finally over here in Philly. No more interviews where I have to listen to morons speak Canadian. There is some good news in their loss to the Devils. If you haven't gotten around to buying your Flyers bandwagon paraphernalia yet, Modell's will be dumping the shit at half-price. So, the Flyers are done, the Sixers will be done soon, and you either need to double down on the Sillies or start doing shit with your spouse or girlfriend. All the honest men know that they'll turn their attention completely to the Candystripers. The faithful will bow to the false messiah called hope - The hope that will come when Howard & Utley return. Good luck with that dream because it ain't gonna happen. The 2012 edition of the Sillies are competitive in their division and the return of UtHo won't change that dynamic. Enough of our Philly teams. They depress me, so I've changed the channel and have just heard Romney basically call for a U.S. attack on Iran. Speaker Boehner today also said it was time to attack Iran. Who the fuck ARE these people? In Indiana, seven term Senator Richard Lugar has been beaten in a primary by a Tea Partier. Now, Lugar was never my favorite senator but I surely don't want another National Socialist in the Senate! Republicans have collectively lost their minds and souls. If they win in November, turn around and grab your ankles. The only way I'd support a military strike on Iran would be if all five of Romney's sons were required to serve in combat roles. Hell, we'll even make his eldest son Tagg an officer - an officer in charge of a bomb disposal unit. Hey, I've been disappointed with Obama, but unless you're part of the 1% - there is no choice. Obama has sometimes shown himself to be gutless but he doesn't want to probe any lady not named Michelle, nor does he spend very much time fixated on what gay men do with each other. The man would at least attempt to create a fair deal. The funniest thing about a Romney Presidency would be the looks of horror on the faces of White America when Romney costs them their jobs, their savings, and their future. If you would like Romney to make appointments to the Supreme Court, please don't read my shit anymore - just go away.

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