Can you imagine how bad you would feel if your team scored twelve runs and lost? Pretty fucking bad - especially if you Bobby Valentine and managine the BoSox, who did just that. There must be a God, because the Bean Towners not only managed to lose a game where they put up a dozen, they start the season 0-3 after a three game bitch-slapping at the hands of the Tigers.
You can perhaps sense that I don't care for Mr. Valentine. For those who can't sense it, I'll try to use one syllable words where possible. Valentine is a smug, egotistical asshole who assumes that his opinion ends all conversation on any matter. Valentine is a hard ass with a very tight sphincter, and watching the veins on his forehead literally explode in anger would be a joy to behold.
Shit, I would go to Temple for three weeks if the Sawx could manage to exceed the Orioles record for consecutive losses to open a season (I think it's 21). Get this, the last time I was in a Temple was 20 years ago when Scott had his Bar Mitzvah. So, God must want the Red Sox to keep on losing.
So, wanting to see Major Leaguers actually hit, I watched the Tigers 10-0 win on Saturday against B.V.'s Sox. What a joy it was to see Cabrera and Fielder both go deep twice. These boys are as serious as a stroke (I should know), and we need to get Comcast to broadcast their games instead of the Phillies. I mean, so far, all of their guys look like Ross Gload, especially Nix who may actually be Gload. At least, he hits just like him and looks about as intelligent.
Is it for real? Yes, the Motown Maulers are for real, and it isn't just the new Bash Brothers. Calm down, I'm not saying that Prince Fielder's on steroids. Steroid users don't look like they eat all of their meals at Old Country Buffet. The Tigers also happen to have a very interesting pitching staff, made better by virtue of getting some serious run support.
You may have also notice that the Yankees also got off to an 0-3 start, having been swept by the Rays. So far, I'm loving the start of the season and it gets better with the same 0-3 start for the Braves, who I have hated for longer than most of you have been alive.
My only complaint about the 0-3 start by the Braves is that it means that the Mets are 3-0. The thought of the Mets being in first place EVER is almost as repulsive to me as the visual of Seaumus The Dog shitting all over the roof of Mitt Romney's station wagon on a family outing (rich people don't take trips, they have outings).
I should count my blessings for a great week in sports. Head football coach Bobby Petrino had a motorcycle accident early in the week and had a somewhat less than truthful explanation to the law and to his bosses at Arkansas about it. Petrino didn't care to disclose that he had a 25 year old employee of the athletic department riding with him. He claimed that he wanted to protect the lady and her family from speculation about their relationship. Such a gentleman! Petrino, who is married and in his fifties, later acknowledged that his relationship with the employee was, well, more than professional and was suspended without pay for trying to cover up the relationship. It's always the cover up that nails the perp, not the crime. However, given that Petrino has turned around a moribund program, I suspect that he'll pull a "Jimmy Swaggart" and will be reinstated so that the Razorback band may play on.
The hits just keep on coming at Augusta this weekend at the annual Bigots-Are-Us Golf Tournament, also known as the Masters (pronounced "Massuhs). Although they have allowed black members since 1990 (after caving into pressure from the PGA) and no longer REQUIRE all caddies to be black, Augusta National still maintains their long standing policy of not allowing women to be members. Over the years, there have been several challenges to this policy, but all have failed. IBM has been a long time sponsor of the Masters and it has been customary to offer membership to its CEO. IBM has recently elected a female CEO. Oops! When asked at the pre-event press conference if the club would offer IBM's new boss a membership, the current Grand Wizard of the club refused comment and changed the subject. The LSF has learned that the lady was nominated for membership. I doubt if it will happen. If turned down, she should drop IBM's sponsorship of the event. The last time this issue was in the news, the club payed the Masters without corporate sponsors rather than join the 21st Century. I suspect they will do so again before allowing a woman to join.
As promised, I have selected my AL team for the 2012 Season. In the running were such perennial no-hopes as the Mariners and the Orioles. Both teams have no shot this season, but as a long time fan of the Birds, I was leaning towards selecting the Mariners. Teams I select have a first class ticket to last place. Teams I select are normally plagued with injuries and will be so bad that mediocrity would be a blessing.
I was about to pick the losers from Seattle until last night when watching Baseball Tonight. To my horror, the Orioles were wearing the hats from the '70s & '80s - a tri-color style with the white front, the orange bill, and the black back. That the current team is wearing this uniform is a sacrilege to the great Oriole squads of the past. The hat worked when it sat atop Eddie Murray's afro, but doesn't cut it when sitting on the head of any of the current crop of losers. It also looked a hell of a lot better on Earl Weaver than it does on Buck Showalter.
So, despite my lifetime of love for the Orioles, I am so offended by the wearing of this uniform that I have selected the Angel-O's as my AL team for 2012. Yes, I know they start the season 3-10. I don't care. They are now destined to once again lurk in the cellar for the fifth consecutive season. Go Orioles!
That's it for now, as I await the home opener against the Marlins. I have cut the Phillies offense some major slack in this screed, but have no fear - my venom is aging like a fine wine and will be appearing at a blog near you very soon. Don't worry, Freddy Galvis will eventually get his first hit, and so will Nix.
Where is Wilson Valdez when you need him?
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