Boys and girls, ladies and gentlemen, the calender says that it is now March which means that Spring training is in full gear, the NFL's war between billionaire owners and millionaire players is heading for a cliff, and the NCAA basketball tournaments are about to start. That's a lot for the long suffering fan to focus on, but I'll try to get the job done. No refunds if I don't.
A few short weeks ago sales of red kool-aid were spiking off the charts as fans of the candystripers were already figuring out where they would stand during the big parade next November. Well, maybe y'all were a bit premature. The way spring training is going for the Fightin's is the perfect NOT-SO-FAST moment. Yes we still have THE FOUR ACES, who were last seen singing "Three Coins In The Fountain" to Joe Blanton, and we still have Charlie who has become my favorite Phillies manager of all time - but from there it looks like some tsouris (trouble) has come to Clearwater.
This was going to be the time for Domonic Brown to readjust his swing so that he could fulfill his role in right field in such a manner that we would all be able to forget the asshole who played there last year. After going 0-15 he finally got his first hit... and broke his hand while doing so. Fortunately, Ben Francisco is having a decent spring so we may luck out when the games are played for real next month.
Then, there is the matter of Chase Utley's knee. We have been told by Ruben that we shouldn't be too concerned because all Chase has is tendinitis - which rest would take care of. Just as soon as the words came out of Amaro's mouth, Utley took a shot of cortisone. I don't want to call Ruben a liar, but perhaps we fans have more to worry about than Chase resting. Sounds to this LSF that Utley is looking at something more serious than tendinitis. This is a guy who has broken down in each of the last few seasons, so expecting him to be the Chase of old might be a time for another NOT-SO-FAST moment. Fortunately, we have Valdez to fill in, but if Polanco or Rollins get hurt we are, as they say, screwed.
In other baseball related news, it seems as if class-act (all of it low) Lenny "The Dude" Dykstra was in town for a signing event. While here, he was comped a $700 meal at the Palm (reported by Crossing Broad). Dykstra, according to the report, did not leave a tip. Nails is a piece of shit.
For those of you who follow college basketball, this is the time of the year you live for. As I write, conference tournaments are under way all across the land flaming the hopes and dreams on campuses everywhere. Heading into the Big East Tourney, the Villanova Pussycats lost to Pitt in their final conference game and fell to the tenth seed. Coach Jay (is my hair perfect) Wright has no reason to explain the collapse of his team during the second half of the season after flying high on a 15-1 record out of the gate. The early schedule included a blind school, but once they had to play against real programs, we who loathe the Cats have had a ball watching these smug bastards underachieve.
In the ACC, Duke brought me joy by losing to UNC in their conference final regular season game. Whenever Duke loses it is a cause to celebrate for the LSF. Adding joy to my day was the news that UNC lost to Maryland in the ACC tourney opener. I couldn't have scripted it better myself. What will burn my ass is when UNC is given a high seed and Maryland is not selected for The Dance if they fail to win the ACC.
Not everyone in the area was pleased with the UNC loss to Maryland. Out at the beer store, Johnny Dollar most definitely had the Tarheels and today will see him questioning the parentage of the refs, the players, and the coaches. The Dollar Man will believe until the day he dies that the game was fixed so that he would lose his money. According to Dollar, many games have been fixed over the years causing him to lose lots of money.
Johnny's older brother Big Tommy most certainly would have had some shekels on his beloved Cats against Pitt, so he will pace the store looking to find someone trying to steal a case of Schlitz. If he finds someone doing that he will relieve his anger by breaking the thief in many little pieces.
The tourney is a special time out at the beer store, when all of the usual suspects show up to fill out their pools and make pronouncements regarding why their selections will prevail. Big Tommy sponsors a beer store pool where the entry fee is $100, cash only! This pales in comparison to the Tourney Auction that Chootz The Broker runs, but it gets everybody started. Jackie Da Bookie is in hog heaven during tourney time as his phone rings all day long.
An annual event is the big trip to the Big East tourney by Big Tommy and some of the gang. The boys caravan to NYC and not much sleeping is done because, as you might expect, the wives and lovers are not permitted on the trip. This allows the boys plenty of time to enjoy the cultural sites of the City when not at the Garden watching the games. As everyone knows, these guys can't enjoy a game unless they have something on it. Back when I hung out at the beer store nobody had a cell phone, so a designated caller would be appointed to go to a payphone where everybody's bets would be placed with Jackie Da Bookie. When Jackie had to go "away" an alternate bookie by the name of Vinnie would be used. Vinnie's handle was "The Vig." Vinnie loved the vig and it is said that his home in the Girard Estates section of South Philly was furnished because of it. You can buy a lot of red flocked wallpaper and marble with the tax free vig that Vinnie earned.
Johnny Dollar never made the trip with the gang since someone had to mind the store. For Johnny, that meant standing by the register where a cable hook up allowed him to watch just about every game played. Johnny didn't just play the Big East games - not enough for him. He would stay at the store to watch the WAC tourney that started at 10pm eastern. Johnny is the only person I have ever known that bet on WAC games. Not only would he bet on individual games, but the fool played parlays and teasers which are a sure way of guaranteeing that, come Tuesday, he had to pay Jackie Da Bookie rather than getting paid for winning.
Once the conference tourneys were over and the big dance got started, Johnny would stay at the register until the last shot had been taken. During the tourney, the only time you wouldn't see him at the register is when he was hiding somewhere trying to duck Jackie Da Bookie's employees who had been sent to collect or break some of Johnny's bones. Jackie Da Bookie wanted his money, but I think the gorillas he sent to collect preferred rearranging skeletal structures.
In the next post, I will describe Chootz the Broker's NCAA Auction event and a few other gentlemen will be introduced. In the meantime, if you can play second base, give Ruben a call.
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