Monday, March 14, 2011

LET THE GAMES BEGIN!

The NCAA Tournament Selection Show is now over. The field of 68 has been revealed, and this long suffering fan is appropriately LIVID! Why am I livid you ask? The two college teams I hate the most are both in the tourney. Duke, coached by the smarmy, whiny Coach K was given the #1 seed in the West. Just because they won the ACC tourney today with a win over UNC doesn't mean they deserve to have a #1 seed. The ACC was a weak sister this year and many of the Blue Devils' 30 wins came against schools you and I have never heard of. Surely the committee could have found a more deserving #1, and probably threw it Duke's way so as not to have to hear Coach K whine like the bitch that he is. Duke plays #16 Hampton in their first game - what a beautiful thing it would be if Hampton became the first #16 to beat a number 1. It won't happen, but it would be sweet if it did. Coach K is fortunate that I am not a referee in that game as I would hit him with T's every time he grimaced at a call. He would not get away with that bullshit with me. After his second T, I would have the police escort him to the locker room in cuffs, and if he protested at all I would have him tasered.

The other travesty by the selection committee was giving Villanova a 9 seed. Whatever those guys were smoking - I want some. The local pussycats haven't won a game in recent memory and, in my very humble opinion, didn't even belong in the tourney let alone being given a fairly decent seed against #8 George Mason. The LSF will stop at a Modell's tomorrow hoping that they have a George Mason Tee-shirt. If they don't I will take a magic marker and make my own!

My problem with Villanova has nothing to do with their pretty boy coach Jay Wright. He seems like a decent guy even though he is too pretty. A few prominent zit scars would make me like him - or perhaps if he didn't have such a full head of hair. Yes I am jealous. My problem with the Cats has to do with the assholes who attend the school. Their level of smugness is offensive, especially when they are drunk - which is often. The school promotes itself as an elite institution which I also don't understand. It is an overpriced average school that doesn't compare with Penn academically even though the tuition and fees are about the same as Penn. It's professional schools are horrendous - especially their law schools and business schools. Penn undergraduate is itself overrated, but the law school, medical school, nursing school, veterinary school, and the Wharton school of business are considered to be some of the finest in the country - so where do the good fathers who run Villanova get off with their elitist attitude?

In the West, Temple copped a #7 seed and will play #10 Penn State. Villanova gets to stay close to home for their one and done game while Temple and PSU have to schlep to Arizona to play. There is no justice.

In the SE division the #3 seed was awarded to BYU. Duh! The Cougars did go 30-4 this season but that was mostly when they had Brandon Davis, a young man of color on the team (and we know how the Mormons feel about the brothers). Davis was suspended for breaking the BYU honor code. What was his high crime and misdemeanor you ask? He violated the honor code by having sex with his girlfriend. I couldn't make that up if I tried. Why would anyone go to a school that requires celibacy of its students? There must be an awful lot of very nervous and edgy kids on that campus.

So now is the time to fill out your pool or pools if you lack the conviction of your ability to pick the winners. The LSF will not do a pool this year because it is embarrassing to be out of the running after the first two rounds. If you feel that you can win your office pool, perhaps I can interest you in something a little more big boy than a pool. I'm talking about the 19th Annual NCAA Tourney Auction, sponsored and run by none other than my friend Chootz the Broker.

Chootz's auction is not for the feint of heart or the light of wallet as the participants will collectively bet over $100,000 on the outcome of the tourney. Here's how it works.

Chootz rents a banquet room at a local Main Line watering hole such as the Villa Strafford. The participants arrive early and have a fine meal lubricated with plenty of good cheer. After the dinner, dishes are taken away Chootz begins the auction. At that point guys bid on teams. Chootz auctions off each team and requires a minimum bid of $100 and raising bids of the same amount. Bidders can either bid for themselves or form partnerships with other bidders - pooling their resources so as to be able to compete with some of the higher net worth degenerates. A number one seed like Pitt may go for as high as $10,000, while some of the lower seeds may not get any bids at all and are dealt out as "comps" to the crowd. There have been times when guys have ghost bidded for some of the bigger players but, since it's against the rules if they are found out, they are immediately escorted out of the room by the Sergeant-at-Arms Big Tommy from the beer store. Big Tommy has the job because in the history of the auction nobody in attendance would dare go up against his bulk.

If you win a bid you have ten minutes to pay for your team or teams. Cash is the coin of the realm as Chootz accepts checks from nobody. Chootz wouldn't even accept a check from his own brother for this event. As you can imagine lots of Benjamins change hands at this event and, at the end of the festivities, Chootz is escorted home by gentlemen who have bulges in their jackets.

Some of the biggest and wealthiest doctors, lawyers, businessmen, and gamblers in the area attend the auction including a certain sports talk show host who feuds daily with Howard Eskin and who has trouble staying on the air. Last year this guy actually interviewed Chootz the day after the auction.

It isn't a winner-take-all auction and payouts are awarded with 25% to the winner and lesser amounts for 2nd, 3rd and so forth. I almost forgot. Chootz takes a 10% fee, or vig for running it. The one year I attended he announced that an additional 5% would be taken off the top and given to Jackie Da Bookie's wife to help her buy groceries for the kids since Jackie was then a guest of the federal government.

As I said, I've only attended the auction one time and my group was only able to win bids on teams that had no shot of winning anything. Regardless, I had a ball watching guys bid thousands of dollars on kids who were as likely to toss bricks as they were to hit the game winning shots. I had a lot of fun watching the bidders make side bets with each other as well as trying to buy teams from guys who had outbid them during the auction. One sad note was watching the owner of a then region-wide carpet retailer bet way over his head. Big Marty had such a gambling problem that he eventually had to have a going out of business sale with the proceeds going to the many bookies he owed money to. Marty later had to go away himself because the checks he gave to his trade creditors bounced higher than the balls that will be used in the tourney.

I hope that you do well in your pools. While I will not do a pool this year I will root for the good guys (Temple & George Mason) and root against those from the evil empires of Duke, UNC, Villanova and the others of their ilk. Enjoy the games.

If you want to go to the auction give Scott a call or a tweet or a facebook thing and I will try and get you a seat at one of the tables. I take a cut of anything you win!

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