Happy Happy

HAPPY CHANUKAH !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wow, it's December already - which means it's time to eat latkes and spin the dreidel.

Of course it also means that spoiled Main Line Jewish kids will or the most part have their sense of entitlement heightened by the swag they receive over the next 8 days. I imagine a lot of electronic shit being given to kids who won't really appreciate the stuff and will wonder why they didn't get more.

Oh well - "why not," I say. Somebody has to get the shit, so why not Jewish kids? Of course many of them will also do the Xmas thing and will cruise into the new year dreaming of their next big score.

The brighter among you may have noticed that my spelling of the holiday begins with the letter C instead of the letter H. Everywhere I go I see Chanukah spelled Hanukah or Hannukah. In my opinion the newer spelling is a Hallmark-led conspiracy to force we members of the tribe to further assimilate ourselves into the world of Wonderbread, mayonnaise on hamburgers, Republicanism, and other such horrors.

I for one will not bite into that shit sandwich (with Miracle Whip). I don't wear polyester either - so take that DuPont!

I intend to continue spelling this holiday with a C as the first letter. While I believe in maintaining certain traditions and discarding others, the keeping of the letter C in front of hanukah is important for security and identification purposes.

No, the long suffering fan has not slipped over the edge. By placing the letter C in front there is created a CH sound that non-Jews cannot pronounce properly. No matter how hard they try, they find it impossible to pronounce it correctly. I have tried to teach my non-Jewish friends the proper way, but they always fail. Most make the sound of the letter K, which tells me immedietly that they are gentiles (goyim to those who can pronounce it correctly). That doesn't make them bad people or anything like that - it just means that they are of a non-Jewish ethnic group and will be forever CH-challenged. Sorry gang, but there is no medication to fix this problem.

All Jews have a genetic ability to pronounce this sound correctly (unless they have been raised in an ultra-reform tradition which teaches them how to pray like their gentile neighbors. These folks will not pronounce it properly, and almost surely will name their kids Kyle, or Sean.)

The proper pronunciation of the sound allow us to identify other Heebs, especially those who have had their names changed so as to hide the fact that they are from the tribe. We used to be able to check a guys 'junk' (just like Hitler's friends used to do) but now fully 70% of American men have had a snip job, so now we have to rely on the CH test.

Chanukah isn't the only word which gives us a good ID check. My lady friend who is by no means a member of the tribe has known me for 5 years and still calls me a smuk instead of schmuck. She just can't pronounce it correctly, but I do understand that when she mis-pronounces that word it means that there will be no joy in Mudville that night. (Why do women stay pissed longer than guys? Another one of those mystery questions of life.)

I'll close by attempting to teach those of you who are CH-challanged how to properly pronounce it. Good luck. The proper pronunciation has a similar sound as when you are bringing up a big juicy gob of phlegm. The sound begins in the throat, gang, just like the loogie you bring up. Now when I watch people try, they usually can make the phlegm sound, but fail when making it flow into the rest of the word. I urge you to practice because if you get it right you will be allowed to celebrate the holiday and not have to wait until Xmas to get your shit, and can experience the joy of assembling things for your kids twice in the same month.