BROTHERS

Lately the Long Suffering Fan has had to make some tough choices about what to watch on TV. For whatever reason, many of my favorite movies (films, if you prefer) have been shown at the same time as a Phillies game causing me to have to decide if I am going to be entertained or suffer aggravation and stress from watching our favorite team show me that they suck to the max. The other evening I started watching our candystripers but the pain was so intense I switched over to IFC and Once Upon A Time In America, a three and a half hour Sergio Leone classic starring Robert DeNiro, James Woods, Danny Aiello, Elizabeth McGovern, and others. If you haven't seen it - you should. Lots of great music from Ennio Morricone. The other interesting thing is that it's a film about Jewish gangsters that was made by Italians, as opposed to the usual movie about Italian gangsters made by Jews.

They've also been showing a bunch of Quentin Tarantino films and, despite having seen them all many times, I ended up doing Jackie Brown, Reservoir Dogs and Pulp Fiction after being disgusted by the Phillies' moribund bats.

Face it gang, as we head into interleague play, old Looney Tunes cartoons are more entertaining than watching the Phillies line up make mince meat out of excellent outings by our pitching staff. Last night was no exception. I started out with the Phillies and ended up with Master & Commander which is not even Russell Crowe's best effort [Editor's note - That would be Romper Stomper]. I mean, how could I not think of what George Carlin said about guys named Kyle after watching Kendrick make the 78 year old Jason Giambi look like Babe Ruth?

Giambi, who many believed to be already retired, has done nothing this year and was about to be released by the Rockies before he took Kendrick so deep in his first at-bat that NORAD was put on alert. The guy has a white beard and looks like a sausage in his uniform, but Kendrick grooved one and Giambi put it in orbit. By the end of the night he had hit three home runs becoming the second oldest to ever have three HR's in a game. Giambi, who was playing because of an injury to Todd Helton, looked like he had made a trip to BALCO before last nights game. Remember, he was the guy who, with tears in his eyes, apologized for taking performance enhancing drugs while with the A's & the Yankees.

I couldn't help but think that the Phillies could have had Giambi a few years ago. Before he signed a humongous contract with the Yankees we Phillies fans begged the front office to make the guy an offer. We desperately needed a power hitter and he would have fit the bill nicely. Not wanting to let the fan base down the Phillies did indeed sign Giambi - JEREMY Giambi. Jeremy was probably a nice guy. His family probably loved him and his dogs may have always wagged their tails when he walked into the room, but he was not the Giambi brother we wanted. Thinking of how we ended up with the wrong Giambi, I decided to explore other major league brother situations. Sometimes the Phillies had the right brother, but usually we did not.

It won't be long until Greg Maddux is elected to the Hall Of Fame on the first ballot. The guy could flat out pitch, plying his trade for the Cubs and the hated Braves. Not to be outdone by Ted Turner, the Phillies went out and picked up Greg's big brother Mike. Again, Mike is probably a decent guy, but he is not the Maddux sib that we would have liked to see wearing candystripes.

Many baseball fans remember that Joe DiMaggio's brother Dom played for many years with the Red Sox. Dom was a decent player in his own right. Though not of the caliber of his brother Joe, he did make a few all-star teams and would have looked good in a Phillies uniform. Dom never wore the stripes, but the third brother Vince did. Vince DiMaggio played for the Phillies in the '45 & '46 seasons. The only way Vince ever got to the Hall Of Fame was to pay whatever the price of admission was so that he could see his brother's plaque.

Remember George Bell? That man could hit a baseball, but we got his kid brother Juan. Remember him? Didn't think so.

One brother thing the Phillies got right was the signing of a kid out of Wampum, PA. Wampum, basically a crossroads in Western PA, has the distinction of having three of its native sons make it to the show. There was Hank Allen, a long time journey man who played mostly for the Twins. There was also Ron Allen, who had a cup of coffee with the Cards. Most importantly there was Dick (don't call me Richie) Allen, who broke in with the '64 club and could hit with the best of them. Allen broke in as a third baseman and was the best hitting Phillie 3B I have ever seen. The guy could hit for both power and average and took shit from nobody. The early 60's was not a great time to be an angry black player in this town, so Allen wore out his welcome with the last NL team to sign a black player and was shipped to StL. He later played with the Dodgers before coming back here at the end of his career. Why the Phillies have not retired his number fifteen is a mystery to this LSF.

We fans of the Phillies were spared some brother duos. We fortunately missed both Jose and Ozzie Canseco, and never did get to see Henry Aaron's younger brother Tom in a Phils uniform. Billy Ripkin would have been a perfect Phillie and I'll always be grateful that we didn't get Cletus Boyer who would have given Bobby Malkmus a run for his money. I almost forgot that we did get the wrong Leiter brother a few years back, but I'm sure you will forgive me for almost missing him - even if you will not forgive me for other sins and transgressions.

As I have been writing this post, I have been thinking about something positive to say about our candystripers... Well, despite smelling worse than a Marcus Hook refinery they are still clinging to first place in the NL East. I suspect that this hold is about to come to an end now that the Rangers are coming to town but, for now, WE ARE IN FIRST PLACE!. Cole Hamels became the first Phillies starter in two months to get credit for a win the other night when the Phillies bats exploded for TWO runs and D Brown is apparently tearing up the International League. I don't have enough time to review the negative side of the ledger so I'll leave well enough alone - for now.

I only have one thing left to say. If Superstar has a brother - do not sign him. We already have one Howard on the team and don't need another stiff on the roster. The Big Piece has gone something like 0 for his last 20 AB's and is now hitting around .245 with the homer total stuck on eight. I thought I saw him ask the question "why can't I do that" when he saw Giambi's moonshot in the first. The SOB points his bat like Babe Ruth did in the World Series against the Cubs and hits like Dane Sardinha. If you let Howard hit off a tee he would hit the bottom of the pole. I said I wouldn't go negative, but I couldn't help myself. Maybe Superstar will rise to the occasion against AL pitching this weekend. If you believe that, then I have a bridge for you.

Have a great weekend!