TWO BAD DAYS IN A ROW!!!!

The long suffering fan has had two bad days in a row. It isn't funny so stop laughing. Yesterday AM I got stuck in an elevator in my building with a person who turned out to be claustrophobic. I live in an old building and the elevators can only hold 2 maybe 3 people comfortably. Being old, from time to time they just stop, not caring whether or not they have reached the desired floor or not. The solution when that happens is simple. You take out your cell phone, call the building manager, explain what is going on - and he goes to the roof, does whatever he does and the car starts moving again. So I made the call, and knew that in about 2 or 3 minutes my trip would resume. The problem was that I was riding with a rather large and malodorous woman, who almost as soon as we stopped started having a rather nice panic attack. If the bitch hadn't grabbed me while screaming I would have enjoyed her attack, but it was annoying to have this fat lady holding on to me while screaming for Jesus to save us. It was more than the long suffering fan could handle so I pushed her away telling her that Bob, not Jesus was going to take care of the problem. She didn't like that and turned her panic attack on me. Now this woman spends her time handing out The Watchtower magazine at the 69th St terminal so I had to endure being told of all the terrible things that were going to befall me in the next life because I was a non-believer. All I could do is wonder what I had done to deserve being stuck in the elevator with this whacked out lady. Why couldn't she have been Rasheeda, the new smoking hot resident of the 4th floor. Rasheeda is so hot that the fire department has to follow her around so she doesn't cause spontaneous combustion, and I get stuck with Lady Lardass. Perhaps you are starting to understand why yesterday was not the best of days.

Making matters worse was that the biggest sports news of the day was about the goalie the Flyers were trying to unload. Why would I care about that? I have said many times that I can't watch a sport where every night they don't play a fourth quarter. This is a sport that thinks it cool to play hockey outdoors in the middle of the fucking winter in cold weather cities. What's with that? And how crazy do you have to be to pay money to freeze your ass off to watch a stupid, inane and idiotic game. Somebody needs to explain to Gary Bettman that real games come in either quarters or halves. Your game has to be divisible by 2 - and three doesn't cut it.

So I finally get rescued by Bob, not Jesus and I go into my apartment to read my e-mails. What do I find but an e-mail from Scott. Scott sends me an article from the NPR site concerning the illegal alien problem Israeli is having with people from Africa sneaking in to the holy land. I'm not making this up. Why is my only son sending me anything from the commie pinko tree hugging NPR people, let alone an article telling me that the Israelis (Jews) are having yet another problem with svartzas. (Svartza is the yiddish word for black people - formerly called negroes.) Apparantly the juden are freaked out about this, but not because of what you might think.

Here is the real problem. As you know, when blacks move in, the Jews move out as quickly as they can. (examples: W.Philly, Olney, etc) The Israelis have a major problem because they are surrounded on three sides by Arabs who don't care for them, and on the other side by the Med. They have nowhere like Lower Merion or Elkins Park to run to. This fact tells me that they will have to find a way to deal with seeing their sons with sisters and their daughters pushing baby strollers with mixed babies.

There are positives of course to this situation. By embracing these new settlers the Israeli music scene will improve greatly - I mean how much klezmer music and horas should one have to listen to? I suspect that Israeli sports teams will also become more competitive with the inclusion of these new members of their society.

This is supposed to be a sports blog so I'll mention that Fat Andrew's men are scheduled to play Green Bay in the wild card round of the playoffs. I like the Packers, but I'll try to amplify my reasons in a later blog.

Also on the sports scene Roberto Alomar and Bert Blyleven were elected to the Hall Of Fame. (Stop yawning - I'm not done. If you don't stop I'll ask Roberto to spit on you like he did to an umpire.)

In a sports related story it seems that no matter how low Lenny Dykstra sinks he finds a way to go lower. It was reported that our former hero Nails Dykstra bounced a check to one Monica Foster. Dykstra had hired the lady as an escort - you know just to talk and have drinks with. If you believe that, I have a bridge that I can let you have for a real good price. Foster has starred in several porno films including one called "Flava of Lost", and in a spoof of the Cosby Show which advertised 8 hours of inter-racial sex.

I saw a picture of Miss Foster's derriere, and I must tell you - this sister is the real deal. (Lenny's poor mother) She has posted that not only did Lenny's check bounce but she saw him snorting an unknown white powder. Say it ain't so dude! Lenny's attorney issued a statement that Lenny was unavailable for comment.

I'll close by reminding you that I've had two bad days in a row. Today's bad day can be described by just saying the following. John Boehner, Speaker of the House. Arrrgh - the dark ages are back!