What's a guy to do? For those of you that have been following my rants you know that this long suffering fan has been counting the days until opening day since the last pitch of last year's World Series. More importantlly, my lady knows that, to me, opening day is like Rosh Hashana, Chanukah, Mardi Gras, Christmas & Martin Luther King Day all wrapped into one. It should be a national fucking holiday!
So there I was at 1pm perched in front of the T.V. waiting for Doc to throw the first pitch when my phone rang. Who the hell would call me at a moment like this. I looked at the caller ID and saw that it was the lady. I really did mumble "SHIT" when I saw it was her since I knew that she knew that I was home and the bullshit I would have received for not answering would have been unbearable. Come on guys - you've all been there! This girl is a baseball fan for goodness sakes, she should have known better! She was at work so she couldn't watch the game so I figured she just wanted a score or something. Boy was I wrong.
"Hi Michael, what are you doing?" What am I doing? I'm watching the Phillies! Then she hit with the big one and asked me to leave the comfort of my sofa and go to her place and walk her dog. I couldn't make that up - not ever. Normally she comes home at lunch to walk the thing, but today she wanted to hang out with her friend, a miserable bitch that I have to be nice to.
Had it not been opening day I probably would have had no problem doing her the favor, but IT WAS OPENING DAY!!! What followed was not pretty. This lady is black, but she laid the Jewish guilt thing on me. All women learn that trick - whether they are Jewish or not. When she saw that this wasn't going to work (Hell, who does she think she is - I've had the guilt-bomb used on me by the master - my mother) she turned on the mildly annoyed whine. They all learn that one too guys. "Oh come on, you can watch your game at my place after you walk the dog." "I don't want to have to clean his cage when I get home"[Editor's note - his cage?]. When that didn't work she ended the conversation with "Fine," then hung up. The ending "FINE" lets you know that she is really pissed.
There was no way I wasn't watching the game today. I understand that she will play this out forever (They never forget a thing - ever!) and that certain "favors" could be withheld, but one has to draw the line somewhere and stick to it. My line was the ballgame and I was glad I had stuck to my guns.
Now, from time-to-time, I do walk her dog. If you are ever on Cobbs Creek Parkway and see a white guy walking a little lap dog - that's me. It wouldn't be so bad if she had a regular dog, but no, this sister had to have one of those bougie lap dogs that no straight man should ever have to walk in public. Making matters worse, everybody I know in the neighborhood drives by just when I'm out there. I can't hide and I don't blend in this neighborhood. They all give me a real funny look when they see what I am walking. Making matters even worse, it seems like every nasty Pit Bull or some other breed of dog popular in the 'hood is being walked at the same time. The lap dog isn't smart enough to know that he should not bark at another dog who could eat him in one bite then turn to me and say, "I think I'll have a leg."
She didn't bother me any more and I was able to see the candystripers do the Bear Jew thing to the Astros in the bottom of the ninth. What a great way to win the thing. Shit, even Superstar Ryan Howard managed to not strike out or hit into a double play in a clutch situation! I was thrilled at the way they won the game.
It would have been a terrible thing to lose to Brett Myers.
One of the reasons I love watching opening day games is that you are usually seeing all the aces pitch. Men, not boys, pitch on opening day and it can be a real treat watching these guys do things with a baseball that shouldn't be able to be done. The guys with nasty stuff violate the laws of physics on every pitch and it is awesome. For game two, you still see some decent pitching, but how awful the anxiety must be in the heads of the Astros players who are staring at the ceilings of their hotel rooms knowing that another ace will be pitching for the candystripers, giving them no hope of winning game two.
My beloved Pirates beat the already-eliminated Cubs today 6-3 in their opener. Do we have a juggernaut in the making at PNC Field? Should we prepare for a Phillies- Bucs NLCS? We'll call it The Turnpike Series!
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