How 'Bout Them Eagles!

So there I was last night waiting for Boardwalk Empire to come on, and as I waited I was watching the Eagles vs Giants. Chris Collingsworth tried to ruin my mood, but being the stalwart that I am I refused to allow him to alter my good mood. Chris couldn't, but Fat Andrew's charges had me grumbling from the outset.

When the channel guide reminded me to change to HBO I had the impression that when I returned sometime in the 4th quarter Vick might have already been carted off the field. I mean the o-line was missing two starters and the back-ups looked as pathetic as King Dunlap would have - so I figured the flags at the Linc would be at half mast after Vick was run over by Tuck and his friends. How surprised I was to see the Eagles locked in a low scoring contest with the team from N. Jersey, and that they still had a shot of ending the night with a win. After watching B'Walk and Treme I would get to see the end of a close game.

I was right. The game was close, and as you all know the Eagles ended up with yet another 1 point win. They are now 3-1 and sitting atop the NFC East. That's the good news. The bad news is that their combined margin of victory in the three wins is a whopping 4 points. Their record could easily be 0-4 so I suggest holding off on ordering your Super Bowl tickets. You may want to wait a bit before you load up on the Green Kool-Aid at least until you finish all the Red shit that is still in your fridges.

We are told that Fat Boy no longer calls the plays. If that is true then is there any question why Big Marty (Sells Carpets For Less) Mornningham is no longer the head coach of the Detroit Lions. Where was his head during the last Eagle drive that lead to the field goal which gave them the win. Why was Shady McCoy pulled out on third and goal and replaced by someone who's name we can't remember? Why didn't they attempt a Michael Vick option on third down? Beats the shit out of me. And is there any truth to the rumor that on Andrews plastic coated card there are no plays but the numbers of various hot wing and cheesesteak shops that will deliver him some tidbits before his post game "We have to do better" presser? After 14 years of being the head coach - why doesn't he yet have a clue?

As my friend Bob said to me today - they won, be happy. Bob doesn't get it either. I'll be happy when our defensive backs are taught that they cannot tackle tht receivers before they catch the balls. Two pass interference calls that late in the game almost ave Eli Manning the opportunity of pulling another 4th quarter comeback win out of his redneck ass. Shit, he went to Ole Miss which means he may not even be able to read, yet there he was leading the Housewives Of New Jersey down the field. If it wasn't for the offensive interference penalty at the end of the game Tynes would have had a chip shot attempt and the Birds would have ended up with a big loss instead of the win.

The next time El Gordo calls a time out to freeze the kicker, he should be shot. Freezing the kicker on an NFL team is a bit different than doing it to the kicker on a Pee Wee league team. These guys are the best of the best and I've never seen this strategy work. Have you? And it sure looked like Tyne's second attempt was going to be good before falling short by a couple of yards. Though they tried to lose the game they caught a break and are now 3-1.

Enough of the Eagles. I would be remiss if I didn't wish Ryan Howard a good off season. Howard's season ended this past weekend when he dropped a lead practice bat on his foot and broke a toe. I can't be certain, but my bet is that he spit into his batting gloves and the thing slipped out. Again, I'm not certain, but it sounds reasonable to me.

Howard, who is still owed $105,000,000 over the next 4 years of his contract had a helluva year - don't you think. Let's review: The big Piece Of Shit gave us a huge batting average of .219! His OBP came in at .295 ( more like a utility infielder from The DR rather than a teams clutch #4 hitter). He did hit 14 homers which brought his slugging % to .423 and drove in 56 runs after coming back.

Charlie when asked about Howards performance stated that he expected good things out of Howard next year (What else can he say?) When pressed he did acknowledge that Howards 14 HR's & 56 RBI's was not enough.

When asked about his off-season plans Howard said that he planned a vigorous work out regime. He also said that he was thinking of going on a diet sometime in October. I suppose that looking in the mirror isn't very appealing to the Sultan Of Spit and that he would like to lower his weight so that he has a shot to hit his weight next season. Hey Howard: Jumping jacks' ready begin!

I must acknowledge those BALTIMORE ORIOLES who have clinched their first playoff appearence since 1997, and who are tied with the Yankees for the AL East lead. Can you imagine how bad Showalter wants to finish ahead of the Yankees?

On tap this week is the first debate between Obama and the Android man. Romney's people have leaked the news that Romney has been working since August on coming up with zingers to use against the president. Who the fuck does he think he is - Don Rickles? The prick won't tell us how he plans to give the 1% another huge tax cut, spend more on defense than we do now, save medicare and social security, reduce the deficit without putting a huge burden on the middle class, but he's rehearsing a stand-up routine. What's he gonna do call Obama a hockey puck and declare himself the debate winner?

That's it for now. I'm going to do a nice bowl of Ben & Jerry's Heavenly Hash and chill out. I suspect that I'll have some comments after the debate.

IT'S OVER!!!!

At last the baseball season is over - as in finished. The Philadelphia Athletics played their last game yesterday, and the wool uniforms can now be put away until next year. The team did not have a winning season - again - but won some games, had some good times which included Scott going one for three in the season finale. Scott has shown great improvement with the bat this year, but still needs a ton of work in the field. Perhaps if an exception to the no glove rule were made in his behalf he might have a shot in the field, but I am amazed at how well he has been striking the ball this year. I got to see him play at the Navy Yard outing a couple of weeks ago and was as proud as a father could be as I watched him get a hit and score a run. Hey, understand how far he has come. Scott once played an entire little league season with a final batting average of .000! Great job!

Unfortunately the Phillies season still lingers on. I haven't watched a game in a few weeks because as long as the team was going no where - why torture my soul with McCarthy counting pitches and Wheels babbling about whatever he babbles about. Actually I did tune in a couple of weeks ago just to see what baseball would look like in HD. I just picked up a new TV and was amazed at how clearly one could see the spit coming out of Howards mouth as he lungered into his batting gloves. It isn't a pretty sight and small children should not be allowed to see it. Since I haven't been paying attention to the Phillies I was not aware at how well Howard has been doing in the power department now that the games are meaningless for the team. I understand that he has hit hit 4 HR's in the past few games - including a salami. Way to go big piece - maybe next year you can go on a tear and hit your weight.

So, now that I've declared baseball season as over (at least here in Philly) my thoughts have turned to football. How 'bout those Eagles! Well they did start the season with two one point victories. Yesterday they played a team with a very good defense and were torn apart. Not counting yesterdays debacle in Arizona Michael Vick has been hit 56 times where he is knocked to the ground. The guy has no shot of surviving the season intact if that pace is continued. So what's the problem?

Coach Reid or Lord Of Lard continues to amaze me with how stupid or stubborn he is. Hey Andy - when the defense doesn't have to worry about the running game they can come after your Q-back with an attack not seen since the days of the Kamikazee attacks in WW2. What amazes me most is that he has a guy named Shady McCoy who is a talented running back. What is he saving him for? I played on offensive lines in both high school and college and I will swear in any court of law that run blocking is EASIER to do than is pass blocking. The Eagles o-linemen have proven that pass blocking is not shall we say their strong suit - so why not RUN THE FRIGGING BALL!

My plan for watching the games was to watch all of the Eagles games and then go to the NFL Red Zone. Yesterday I found myself in the Red Zone even after the Eagles game had started as I wanted to see teams play that had a chance to win. I recommend that you try this service if you are a football fan. You get to see the best parts of all the games for a reasonable price of about $8.00 a month. For your $8 bucks you get a whole bunch of other sports channels - and if you are in to watching things like soccer or other such waste of time sports you'll be in hog heaven. Do I hear someone out there grumbling about the cost. Hey cheap guy - you probably pay more than that for a six-pack of beer, unless of course you are content to drink PBR, Milwaukee's Best or other such swill.

The best part about the Red Zone is watching it in HD. Every hit is magnified to the point where you wonder how some of these guys can get up after being clobbered by 300lb plus guys running faster than a speeding locomotive. It is truly scary, though thouroughly awesome. Watching guys like Peyton Manning or Tony Romo get flattened is pure joy. (In my opinion it is impossible to hit Peyton too hard or too often.)

There are now just 43 days until we have the opportunity to send Mitt Roboman back to the planet Kobol or wherever the trees are just perfect. What scares me is that this asshole can still win the election. After all his gaffes, after picking Hitler youth member Paul Ryan as the VP nominee, and after conducting a truly stupid and inane campaign the guy is still hanging in there. The beady eyed republican nominee switches his positions almost hourly unless he is addressing a room full of rich guys who have just paid 50 large for a fucking meal! Then he tells the truth. Can you imagine paying 50 grand for a meal that probably isn't any better than the chicken you had at some idiot kids Bar Mitzvah! Ugh!

Seriously, Romney wouldn't have a clue of how the average American lives if you drew him a picture of some schmuck sitting down at the kitchen table trying to pay his bills every month. Hey the guy was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and found that by screwing factory workers he could turn that spoon into 24 karat gold after closing their factories and shipping their jobs to China. Then the guy has the stones to tell us that he will go after the cheaters like China after he becomes president.

He has insulted just about every ethnic group one can imagine just about every time he opens his mouth, yet continuyes to hang in there. What is going on?

Hey WHITE MEN Obama inherited a situation nearly as bad as FDR did back in the '30s, has had a congress where the republican majority leader stated early on that his party would work towards making Obama a one term president and then refused to even vote for policies that were republican ideas. Does it really bother white people that much that when they look at the president they see a black face? It must because they would rather elect a guy who would make them bend over and grab their ankles while he made sure that assholes like him paid far below their fair share of taxes. If Obama were white would these same white guys understand that by getting rid of enviornmental and financial regulations they were being set up for the next bubble to burst? Obviously they just don't get it.

I really have a big problem with my fellow seniors who according to all the polling favor Romney. Duh! Romney tells them that no one on medicare of social security will be affected by what he plans to do with those popular programs. OK grandma, did you know that if elected Romney has promised to repeal Obamacare. One of the provisions of that law is the elimination of the so called donut hole for prescription drugs. I don't know what the cut off is but the donut hole given to us W has a level where seniors get no reimbursement for the cost of their meds from about 3 grand to about 7 grand. After paying the amount required in the donut hole the reimbursement resumes for those still alive after having to choose between meds or food. Hey let me fill you in on a nasty secret that most folks in their 30's or 40's don't deal with very well. If you live long enough shit will start to happen to your health. You will acquire type 2 diabetes because you eat anything you want and join the 60% of Americans who are fat or obese. It costs money to have diabetes. You will have strokes or one of the myriad of cancers, and your doctors will prescribe a variety of meds for you to take on a daily basis. These drugs cost money. I haven't even mentioned doctor bills, which will be considerable if god forbid you need hospitalization or surgery. So how come seniors are supporting Romney by a pretty wide margion? Beats the shit out of me.

My last screed this evening is about Mitt's release of his 2011 tax return this past Friday. Mittster paid an effective rate of 14.1% on about 14 million dollars of income. Hey, you probably pay at a higher rate but rich guys like Romney have a myriad of ways to reduce or avoid paying more - but that isn't my complaint.

He paid the 14.1% rate by not taking about half of the deduction for his charitable contributions- an amount of about 2 million. Had he taken the full deduction his tax rate would have been around 9.5%,not a number Mitt would want disclosed. Here's the rub. Tax law allows each of us three years to file an amended return to our tax returns. If the schmuck loses on Nov 6 I suspect that his amended return will be in the mail on Nov 7. If god forbid he wins - there is no way he still won't file an amended return so that he can claim the entire charitable contribution. What an asshole. Did he think we wouldn't see through this ruse. Hey Mittster - we already know that you are a rich guy - we already know that you have millions in tax avoidance investments in the Caymans, Luxembourg, and in Switzerland.

The big question of course is what all those years of tax returns that he refuses to show contain. Hmmm. I'm curious, aren't you?

But what about the deficit LSF? My advice to anyone who thinks that Romney/Ryan would deal with it is to invite you study the budget proposals formulated by both of these guys. Neither has shown a way to reduce the deficit and in fact whether Romney or Ryans plan was implemented the deficit would explode to the upside.

I've had enough for one night. I can't think about the election any more or I will become so depressed that no amount of sugar free Heavenly Hash will pull me out of the downward spiral.

Take care and atone if that's your thing, or continue down the path towards eternal damnation.

83 DAYS TO THE DARK AGES

For those of you who tune in to my rantings, expecting or even counting on me to write about your beloved Phillies - Im sorry. Look, I told you Red Kool-Aid sippers very early in the 2012 season that your boys in the red pinstripes sucked big time. I told you that they were not a very good baseball team. I spoke to you of the faceless interchangeble white guys and how they would hardly make a positive difference. Some of the faces have surely been changed, but they still are mediocre players helping a very bad team battle it out for last place. They had their run - now repeat after me IT IS OVER. They are going to suck again next year - learn to deal with it.

I must point out to those of you who forgot that I selected the Orioles as my 2012 American League team. Have you noticed the baseball now being played in the Monument City at a place called Camden Yards? Of late they have been kicking ass and taking no prisoners. Way to go Birds!

In 83 days we the people (except those w/o state issued I.D) will decide whether or not we completely surrender our freedom and liberty to the evil forces represented by Romney and as of this past weekend Paul Ryan. The Dark Ages are upon us, but we can still do something about it.

For those of you who are casual observers of our politics - now is the time to sit up and pay the fuck attention. For you Progressives, Liberals, Moderates, and whoever believes in democracy rather than oligarchy YOU NEED TO GIVE A SHIT! You need to figure out that despite any shortcomings Obama may have - he is the only rational choice for those of us who don't have Swiss Bank Accounts, own a dressage horse, and understand that  Paul Ryan is a despicable excuse for a human being.

If you pay attention to what Romney and Ryan believe, who they are beholden to, and what the implementation of their policies would do to the middle classes, the poor, minorities, and women and you still say that you haven't made up your mind about how you are going to vote then you are an absolute moron. For real, an absolute cretin who should not be allowed to vote even with the proper I.D. How could anyone with a non-diseased mind agree with and vote for anyone whose philosophy about government, compassion, was ripped from the pages of a novel written by the Russian-Atheist Ayn Rand. Steven King couldn't make this up. Ayn Rand's novels were the rage when I was a young person and I read Atlas Shrugged in school. (It may have been the Cliff Notes version) Even I knew what happy horseshit her views were, and certainly not the stuff anyone should take seriously. Paul Ryan swears by here, though he now claims that he didn't know she was an atheist. Of course he knew. Look, when someone loves your ideas and patterns his own philosophy after the pages he read in a couple of novels he would most certainly want to know eveything he could about you. Ryan would have discovered Rand's atheism and her Russian ethnicity. She kept neither a secret. Why lie about something that innocuous?

Hypocrite Ryan speaks of how important his family and faith are to him. He likes to tell people that he is a devout catholic. Well, I'm a lapsed Jew, and even I know that Christians are taught that they will be judged by how they treat the least of us. Well, his own church has described his budget as being immoral for failing to address the needs of those at the bottom. And who the hell is he to make decisions about a womans right to choose the best options in dealing with their unique health and reproductive issues. As far as I'm concerned, Romney and Ryan can have all the Neanderthal beliefs that they want but they   do not have the right to impose those beliefs on any other human being.

I could go on for days, and speak to the economy, the banks, the 'special interests', but I'll deal with the economy in my next post. I want to finish tonight with a shout out for The Honorable Robert Simpson. (why do we confer Honorable on someone who is a judge. Shouldn't they have to earn the title?)

Earlier today Judge Robert Simpson ruled that the Pennsylvania Voter I.D. law was fine the way it is and its particulars wouldn't create an onerous burden on an electorate who use photo I.D.'s in every day life. I suppose you know that this bright boy is a republican, and if you didn't know it is time to turn off your facebook, twitter and whatever other social media you use to hide and learn some important shit.

The good guys are appealing this Nazi judge's decision, but who knows where that is going. But, what can I do LSF - I'm only one person. Here's something - and it wouldn't cost a dime. When speaking to people, ask them if they have the proper I.D. Ask the fucking question. Remind them, that without it - they will not be allowed to vote. If they don't drive offer to take them to where they can get the I.D. which the state is not charging a fee for. Call your elected representatives and ask what they are doing about the situation - and maybe even offer some time to help. I'm not just talking out of my ass - The Long Suffering Fan has been doing this, and I am proud to report that 4 people now have the I.D. needed and are registered to vote. It took little of my time, and virtually no effort convincing them. I basically told them that they were going to get the I.D. Hey, hard was selling boys jackets with pink sherpa lined collars - getting someone to register was and is easy when you explain what will happen to them or their loved ones if Romney wins.

That's it for now.

DESIGNATED FOR ASSIGNMENT

On and on for the past couple of years I would sit down and share a few thoughts with whoever cared to see them. I use the term thoughts loosely since most of the time I've just been sharing the rantings of a long time Phillies fan who has seen more than his share of baseball futility and despair. I've seen the Phillies show me ways to lose that were not to be believed - but since I have seen them screw up this game from the '50's to the 21st century I have become a believer.

There have been times when this team of ours played great - I refer you to the Dallas Green era, and the current edition who for the past several years have exceeded all of our expectations. I've enjoyed watching the team win, but as you should know the salad days are over. What we have now is a team in decline, a team that is filled with overpaid over the hill losers who will surely break your hearts if you continue to sip the kool-aid and believe that next year will return the team to glory. If you believe that, then you also must believe that Mitt Romney gives a shit about the middle class and that if elected he will create the 12,000,000 jobs he is promising. He will break your heart, just like mine was broken the other day when I received an e-mail from my editor telling me that he was no longer going to edit and then pass on my rantings. My only son had designated me for assignment.

His e-mail included a link so I could continue to post my rantings without his help. It's taken me a week to even attempt to do this. I am a card carrying techno-idiot who has no clue when it comes to the technology most of you take for granted. I have been known to have anxiety attacks while turning my computer on, so having to figure out how to get the thing to work has provided me with a great deal of stress. While I fully acknowledge my anxiety about technology, the long suffering fan did at one time know how to use a slide rule. I had to learn because hand held calculators hadn't been invented when teachers were trying to teach me algebra and other forms of mathematical exotica. I wonder how many of you have ever seen a slide rule, let alone know how to use one.

Anyhow, back to my former editor. Forcing me to figure this shit out by myself was not a very nice thing to do to the guy who used to watch Scott in right field playing with bugs and buttercups instead of paying attention to the game his teamates were playing. We learned early on that right field wasn't his best position. Actually we never did learn what his best position was.

I certainly know that he didn't put me on the waiver wire because he didn't have the time at work to edit my postings, since at work he spends his time doing all sorts of things besides work, and when he has played too hard at his desk, he strolls the campus marveling at the scenery. I hold no grudge, but my pain will never go away, and I'll have to do an extra bowl or two to mitigate my pain.

Let's move on. So have you been watching the Olympics? You know, the games where Bob Costa's is trying to get you all excited about an event they will show you after 37 commercial breaks. He must be on another planet. Yesterday he was hyping the 100 meter men's final, and trying to create tension and the drama of our collective anticipation. "Will Bolt retain his world's fastest man title?" Stay tuned he exhorted us because that race is coming right up! Duh! Hey Bob, the race is over. Bolt set a new olympic record. Maybe Bob was talking to the three or four human beings on the planet who didn't already know the result.

Now I've tried to watch some of the coverage, but I'm sorry, I have no interest in watching water polo. I was a shot putter, but not one throw has been broadcast while there hasn't been a day when I didn't turn the set on to find Croatia playing Serbia or some other lovely country the game of water polo. Don't they know that Americans don't know shit about that game. I mean what the hell is an exclusion? The other thing they showed - at least on my TV was women's field hockey. Why? And then they showed a men's field hockey game. I didn't know that men played that game - did you.

My favorite olympic activity is dressage. Dressage is a 'sport' that very rich people with too much time on their hands engage in -see Ann Romney. Give me a break. I teach women how to dance while the horsey set teach horses how to dance. The best part is that the Romney's took a tax write off in excess of 70 grand for the training and feeding of their horse. There ought to be a law against that sort of thing - I mean this clown wants to embrace the tax policies of  Paul Ryan which will disallow tax credits for he working class, but have no problem writing off the expenses of a fucking horse. And you wonder why I get so cranky. I'm convinced that the owners of dressage horses are the same people who own the dogs that show at Westminster. May they all develop an incurable rash where the sun don't shine.

So Mitt won't respond to our calls for him to show us his tax returns. We all know that he is a very rich bitch so what is he afraid of? He gives the impression that he is hiding something. What he's afraid of us finding out is disconcerting to me, and actually makes no sense. Mitt must not be as smart as he wants us to think because to make this controversy go away all he has to do is release his returns. Oh sure, if he did so, the democrats will rant and rave for a few days, but then the discussion will move on to something else.

I mean we could then start talking about his plan for tax reform. This asshole wants to not only extend the Bush cuts, but wants to give himself and others like him additional cuts. This would require him to raise taxes on everybody else in order for the deficit not to grow significantly larger than it is now. Nobody enjoys paying taxes - I understand that, but this guy has to avoid going to Italy because the Italian government will arrest him for Bain Capital avoiding the payment of taxes on the profits the company made while Mitt was in charge. Don't believe me - look it up.What is it with Republicans - Dick Cheney can't set foot in Europe because he is wanted there, and now we learn that Romney can't set foot in Italy.

And have you noticed - every time something is uncovered that touches a nerve on Romney's androidal body, the birther crazies are called out of their caves to tell us that
Obama's birth certificate is a confirmed forgery. Would they hate him so much if he was white? You know that answer to that - I hope. I'll close tonight with one thought. Obama was born in Hawaii; he is Christian; and he is smarter than most of us.

I'll check in again soon, but now I have to watch Gabby Douglas finish last on the uneven bars. NBC doesn't want me to know that, but I do.

I would be remiss if I didn't extend my condolences to Andy Reid and his family over the loss of their son. I can't imagine his pain, and hope he is able to find a way to deal with it.

DRYSDALE IS SPINNING IN HIS GRAVE

The other day, Cole Hamels grew a pair and plunked Bryce Harper in the back. I was amazed. Hamels has rarely showed signs of manhood during his career. It was nice to see that he could not tolerate a rookie asshole like Harper prancing around the league as if he were the best of the best. In his first ten days as a Major Leaguer, Harper has rubbed a lot of the other teams the wrong way by showing no humility with a major dose of grandstanding. I do have to give the kid some credit for the way he handled himself. He never looked at Hamels and ended up stealing home when Hamels made a lame pickoff attempt to first. Now, while the thought of hitting Brycehole was a good one, the execution by Hamels was hardly the stuff that dreams are made of. Don Drysdale (no stranger to throwing high & tight) has been dead for many years, but he has returned to the land of the living to comment on the Hamels-Harper affair. According to Drysdale, the Gods of Pitchers Past are embarrassed and angry because the correct way to "welcome" a guy to the show is by throwing at his head - not his back. Drysdale then stated, "When I heard that Hamels had admitted hitting the punk intentionally, I couldn't believe what I was hearing. You don't ever admit that. When asked - you lie. You tell the press that, just as you were releasing the pitch, you felt tremors from an earthquake somewhere and that the tremors caused the ball to go where it did." Drysdale returned to the afterlife after stating his wish that Hamels not ever play for his beloved Dodgers. Bob Gibson, known during his career as a guy who wasn't afraid of throwing at hitters, has asked the Cardinals to activate him for one last game - the next time The Nats & Brycehole play in St. Louis. Gibson's comeback will be limited to one Brycehole at-bat. During this at-bat the 76 year-old, who last pitched in 1975, plans to hit Brycehole in such a way that the kid will be unable to continue in the game. After Harper is carried off the field, Gibson will announce his retirement. Reports have come in of area sewers overflowing with a strange orange liquid - all the Kool-Aid you Flyers fans are dumping into the streets. Thank God that hockey season is finally over here in Philly. No more interviews where I have to listen to morons speak Canadian. There is some good news in their loss to the Devils. If you haven't gotten around to buying your Flyers bandwagon paraphernalia yet, Modell's will be dumping the shit at half-price. So, the Flyers are done, the Sixers will be done soon, and you either need to double down on the Sillies or start doing shit with your spouse or girlfriend. All the honest men know that they'll turn their attention completely to the Candystripers. The faithful will bow to the false messiah called hope - The hope that will come when Howard & Utley return. Good luck with that dream because it ain't gonna happen. The 2012 edition of the Sillies are competitive in their division and the return of UtHo won't change that dynamic. Enough of our Philly teams. They depress me, so I've changed the channel and have just heard Romney basically call for a U.S. attack on Iran. Speaker Boehner today also said it was time to attack Iran. Who the fuck ARE these people? In Indiana, seven term Senator Richard Lugar has been beaten in a primary by a Tea Partier. Now, Lugar was never my favorite senator but I surely don't want another National Socialist in the Senate! Republicans have collectively lost their minds and souls. If they win in November, turn around and grab your ankles. The only way I'd support a military strike on Iran would be if all five of Romney's sons were required to serve in combat roles. Hell, we'll even make his eldest son Tagg an officer - an officer in charge of a bomb disposal unit. Hey, I've been disappointed with Obama, but unless you're part of the 1% - there is no choice. Obama has sometimes shown himself to be gutless but he doesn't want to probe any lady not named Michelle, nor does he spend very much time fixated on what gay men do with each other. The man would at least attempt to create a fair deal. The funniest thing about a Romney Presidency would be the looks of horror on the faces of White America when Romney costs them their jobs, their savings, and their future. If you would like Romney to make appointments to the Supreme Court, please don't read my shit anymore - just go away.

Bryce Harper Is A Punk!

The other day, the Nationals called up Bryce Harper to take Ryan Zimmerman's place on their roster now that Zimmmerman has found a home on the DL. Harper, the 2010 first round pick in the MLB draft has been described as a "can't miss" phenom, able to both walk on water and leap tall buildings in a single bound. Not bad for a nineteen year old kid. Harper, who was hitting a far-from-Ruthian .250 in AAA made his first start against the Dodgers on Saturday and got his first MLB hit in his second at-bat. The kid's first hit was a double. So far, so good - but not so fast. After rounding first, while halfway to second, he threw his batting helmet off with his right arm and went onto second without it. What a punk ass move that was. It's one thing if the thing comes off by itself, but this asshole must have wanted the world to see his face in all it's acned glory. Who does he think he is - Willie Mays? Mays often lost his cap while running, but he never took it off himself. Harper may turn out to be a great ball player, but the LSF would rather see this punk turn out to be a complete bust and a loser. We'll have to see. As for the NFL draft and the Lord of Lard's picks, I have no snarky remarks to make. Needing help on the DL, the Large One selected Fletcher Cox, a DE from Mississippi State. I would have preferred the pick to be Devon Still from Penn State, but Reid never picks players from Penn State, no matter how good they are. I haven't heard of any of the other picks either since I do not watch games from the schools our picks attended. What I do know about Cox is that the ability to read was not a requirement to being accepted at Mississippi State. I hope the guy can at least read a playbook, but who knows. Actually, it wouldn't have mattered who the Eagles chose, since there will be no Super Bowl wins while the Far Man is in charge. My friend Bob gave me some happy horseshit about my constant negativity in this regard, but so far I've been right about Reid. So, until they prove me wrong, I'll stick to my guns. While on the subject of Andy Reid and his draft picks, McNabb has been telling anyone who'll listen that he belongs in the Hall of Fame. Am I missing something? McNabb must be chewing on peyote out there in Arizona. The peyote will eventually make him throw up, but vomiting is actually familiar territory for Donovan. The guy is delusional and should be sent to an institution, but not the one in Canton, OH. From time to time, teams have to make changes to their rosters during a season. I find that I must make such a change to the Phillies' Four Headed Monster. Because he had raised his batting average above the .300 mark, Ty Wigginton was set to be removed to make room for catcher Brian Scheider, who has up to now displayed absolutely no ability to hit a baseball. Congratulations to Schneider for his consistent lack of ability. Wigginton showed great promise but failed to show the futility required to remain a part of the Four Headed Monster. However, it's beginning to look like the Four Headed Monster needs to be tested for PEDs. Pete Orr and Laynce Nix have also both crested above .300. There is growing clamor for me to come up with a monster squad from the pitching staff. Now that the Four Headed Monster is becoming somewhat less monstrous, I think it may be time to replace the Monster with our middle relief corps. The minors-bound Schwimer certainly would qualify as a check stealer, and Contreras doesn't seem to know where the strike zone is. Herndon and Kendrick are stone cold locks of course. This is getting depressing, but let me suggest a scenario where a suicide watch for all Kool-Aid sippers is in order. The LSF is convinced that Cole Hamels will be wearing the uniform of the Dodgers next year. As you might know, Hamels is in the last year of his current deal. Given that the Phillies already have three pitchers earning over ten million dollar per year, do they have pockets deep enough to give Hamels the kind of money required to keep him here? While still an open question, I think not. Utley and Howard have that money locked up and are doing such a great job with it. Oh, and wouldn't Shane and Chooch like to get paid? But, even if they do offer Hamels mega bucks, why would he want to stay here? The Sillies are in decline. Hamels is a SoCal boy and the Dodgers under their new ownership are a team on the rise. Could the temptation of playing close to his San Diego hometown for a rising power be too much for the Sillies to overcome? I think so. Enjoy him while you can - I see no way for him to be a Phillie in 2013. I had been trying to stay positive about the Phils, but it's been tough. The LSF watches Charlie juggle his lineup, hoping against hope that he can come up with a combination that can score some runs. What a joy it is watching Rollins hit .225 as the lead-off batter. Even if he manages to get on base, he's no longer able to run like he once did. To make matters worse, he's two steps slower on defense as well. So much for the extension he got after last year. He now steals his check on the field as much as Howard and Utley do on their rehab treadmills. Well, there's always the AL. While selecting a "favorite team" I normally opt for a team which gives me no room for positive expectations. It's a way for me to avoid the heartbreak associated with the agony of defeat after defeat. When I chose the Orioles as my AL team for the 2012 season, I did so out of anger - since they had the audacity to resurrect the uniforms worn by the great O's teams of the '60s & '70s. Those uniforms were for guys names Palmer, Brooks, Frank Robinson, Singleton, and all of the others who played for my favorite manager of all time - Earl Weaver. My karma of selecting a team and condemning them to a season of futility has so far not kicked in. In case you haven't been paying attention, the Orioles are now 19-9 and sit atop the AL East after going 5-1 against the Yankees and Red Sox, sweeping the Sox over the weekend. In Sunday's getaway game, the O's won in seventeen innings with the win going to designated hitter Chris Davis after the O's burned up their entire pitching staff. I'm not quite ready to call this year's Birds a team of destiny but, given the choice, I'd ride down to Camden Yards to see a game before going to South Philly to pay $4 for a shot glass of water at Citizen's Bank Park. Which brings us to the wayback machine once again. Raise your hand if you remember the deal that brought Von Hayes to the Phillies? Manny Trillo, Julio Franco, Jay Baller, George Vukovich, and Jerry Willard for Hayes. Turned out to be a trade from hell since Hayes turned out to be a bust. While a terrible trade, it wasn't even the worst made by your Phillies braintrust (see Fergie Jenkins & Ryne Sandberg) and is not my selection for the worst trade I've ever seen. My beloved Orioles were the beneficiaries of the worst trade I've ever seen, when the Cincinnati Reds made a colossal brainfart and agreed to send Frank Robinson to the O's in exchange for Milt Pappas, Jack Baldschun (a member of the infamous '64 Phils), and Dick ".207" Simpson. The good folks of the Queen City should have rioted and burned the ballpark down. Robinson came up in 1956 and promptly hit .290 with 38 homers and 83 RBIs in 152 games. Not too shabby for a rookie. The guys was an exciting player who, during the course of his time in Cincinnati, hit 324 HRs and averaged 100 RBIs with a BA around .300. After the 1965 season, the Reds management decided that Robinson's best years were behind him. The one-time NL MVP would be thirty years old during the upcoming season and, needing pitching, they looked to acquire Milt Pappas from the O's. Pappas had won sixteen games twice for the O's, but was never an elite pitcher. Let's just hope that someone is looking to unload a hot bat with major upside because they covet the golden arm of Joe Blanton.

PERFECTION!

I am beginning this late on Saturday, 4/21/12. I have no idea how long it will take for me to finish this (I have already smoked my medication for the evening), nor how long the endangered species that is the U.S. Postal Service will take to deliver it to my stenographer/son. Between running some errands, I've watched bits & pieces of the Yankees-Red Sox game, the film Moneyball, and the ninth inning of the Pale Sox-Mariners game where Humber pitched the 21st perfect game in MLB history. Those of you who bothered to read the title of this post can be forgiven if you thought that it referred to Humber's effort. It does not. Perfection this evening refers to current Boston manager Bobby Valentine. Valentine, a member of the Asshole Hall of Fame, has had a tough week or so. In the eyes of the LSF, however, his trials and tribulations have been just perfect. Valentine started his week of perfection by questioning the heart and hustle of his third baseman, Kevin Youkilis - a BoSox fan favorite ever since the '04 season when he helped the Beantowners win their first World Series title in six centuries. Valentine was pilloried by guys like Sal from Worcester on the sports radio call-in shows as well as by Youkilis' teammate Dustin Pedroia. Valentine might have gotten away with his ill-advised remarks if the Sox had started winning. Well, that didn't happen and I enjoyed watching the weasel squirm and make faces as the Sox continued their losing ways to, of all teams, the Yankees on the 100th Anniversary of the opening of their beloved Fenway Park. In today's game, the Boston bats exploded for nine runs and were looking like they were going to give Valentine a game without misery. The Yankees then proceeded to score fifteen unanswered runs and won the game 15-9. Perfection occurred every time Valentine walked to the mound to change pitchers. He was lustily booed by the sellout crowd at Fenway each and every time he showed his tight ass. To me, that was a perfect joy. I normally despise the Yankees as any good baseball fan from outside of their home territory should, but not today. After the nine runs they gave up, they truly became the Bronx Bombers once again with the hitting clinic they put on. One can only hope that the Yankees can continue to terrorize Valentine and his charges in tomorrow's game. After that, I would greatly enjoy it if the Yankees lost their next seven or eight in a row. That would please me. After raising the specter of one of the greatest team collapses in Philly sports history, the Flyers were able to win their opening round series with the Penguins. The LSF offers his congratulations to Flyers fans everywhere, but certainly advises against slurping gallons of orange Kool-Aid. After all, these are the Flyers and the odds are that they will forget how to skate - especially if they have to face the Rangers. So, enjoy the high while you can, but drink responsibly. Before turning my attention to the Sillies, I must remind you that the NFL Draft begins Thursday - and I am worried. Remember last year when the Lord of Lard selected a 27 year old fireman to be his new starting tackle? This guy was going to be the ultimate protection for Michael Vick - the guy who was going to be the guy who would prevent Vick from being knocked silly every time he dropped back to throw the ball. Remember how well last year's pick worked out? Danny Watkins was so pathetic that he wasn't even active for the first half of the season. Even after he began playing, he didn't exactly put on a blocking clinic, so you'll understand my apprehension about Fat Andy's judgement as we move into this year's draft. The team needs a lot of help. From safety to linebacker to both sides of the line. His Enormousness will probably go with a guy from BYU who has spent the last two years at Jewish old age homes trying to convert the residents to Mormonism on their death beds. Can you imagine trying to get an old biddy named Rivka to become a Mormon? I can't either, just as I can't imagine Andy Reid doing the right thing with the draft picks. So, you've been waiting for the Phillies bats to come alive. You've been waiting for Jim Thome to put a ball into orbit. Sorry gang, but their bats are still dead and Thome is a stellar two-for-seventeen as of the end of the Padres series. The rest of the four-headed monster hasn't comported themselves much better either. John Mayberry is now batting around .150 and doesn't look ready to make anyone forget his father. It could be a very long season. Doc & the rest of the starting five went into the Padres series leading the league with a 2.29 ERA. At the end of the series, Doc had lost his first game of the season after giving up a staggering TWO runs. Lee pitched a throwback ten innings, the team lost, and he went on the DL. Sunday saw Blanton get shellacked by a team wearing camouflage jerseys. The way the Phils are playing, the Padres could have shown up wearing thongs and the Phils would have laid down like the bums that they are. In today's Daily News, Charlie is quoted as saying that the team is "not playing well." Really? Wow, I didn't know that. Did you? Charlie's patience must be wearing thin, and I wonder how long it will be before his head explodes. No jury in Philadelphia would convict him if he beat one of the players to death with a bat in the dugout between innings. How cool would it be if, after beating two or three players, he turned on Ruben Amaro. The Diamondbacks are next for the Sillies, and the possibilities for the team to reverse their fortunes against the D-Backs do not look great. It's no wonder that the LSF is about to stop following the team much earlier than in previous season. I could be wrong. For now, however, I wouldn't bet the farm on these not-so-loveable losers. [Editor's note - This was funny to type now, after the Phils beat down Arizona.]

DICK CLARK DEAD: I STILL WON'T FORGIVE HIM

I have started several posts since the last one, but they all bored me - so they were destroyed. I guess I wasn't angry enough about anything to be able to even want to write. As I write tonight, I'm not really pissed off about too much, but there are some things on my mind, so let's see if I can get the job done. First Issue: The Death Of Dick Clark. Clark died today, and CNN has already done two hours of tribute. I was a nine year old kid when Clark became the host of the locally-produced Bandstand. The original host, a degenerate named Bob Horn, was arrested for drunk driving, also charged with a sex crime involving a teenage girl, and swiftly removed from the show. Why WFIL-TV would have a problem having Horn continue to host a teenage dance show, I can't imagine, but a problem they had so they hired a pristine, handsome host named Dick Clark who knew not to touch the merchandise. Now, back then, Bandstand was a huge thing. Everyone watched it including my mother, who would get her ironing done while watching it on our four channel black & white cabinet TV. I found this out the hard way when I was grounded after she saw me dancing after she had forbid me from going anywhere near the studio. Clark had a way about him. He knew how to promote records and artists, and I always looked forward to watching the artists of the day lip-sync to their hits. Clark took career risks by booking black artists to appear on the show. In the late 1950s, that just wasn't done. The first time I saw Motown artists was on Bandstand. If you were good, he booked you, regardless of what race you were. As for being a dancer on the show, whites only. Apparently, seeing black and white kids dancing together was just too much for Americans' always delicate sensibilities to handle and Dick Clark played it safe in that regard. But then, Clark too the advice of Horace Greely and went West! He left Philly and took Bandstand to Los Angeles. He left Philly much in the same way that the Colts left Baltimore or the way the Giants and the Dodgers left NY. For leaving the way he did, I will never forgive him and believe he should do time playing in the flames of a personal hell where he is forced to listen to a continuous loop of Herman's Hermits' greatest hits. Second Issue: The Death Of The Phillies 2012 Season I've been holding off commenting on our hometown nine until now. Sure, I've expressed a few opinions, but I've tried to follow Oddball's mantra of not giving off negative waves (If you don't know who Oddball is, you need to stay home from work and watch Kelly's Heroes sometime very soon), but the negative waves have nevertheless crashed upon the shores of any hopes I still held onto. I know that the season is still young. I know that our starting pitching is excellent. I know that many believe that once Utley & Howard come back all will be well. I also know that a certain percentage of the Phillies fandom are either addicted to alcohol or drugs, but I'm here to tell you that all will not be well. The 2012 edition of the Phillies is not going anywhere. They will not make the playoffs. They will not win the division. They may end up with the lowest batting average in baseball. They can't hit and without hitting they can't score. Get ready for a season filled with games like the debacle seen Wednesday night when Lee shut out the Giants for 10 innings only to see the team lose it in extra innings. Those of you who believe all will be well once Howard & Utley return are drinking red Kool-Aid laced with LSD. Howard will strike out every third at bat and will become a major liability in the field. How do I know that? Gee, let me see. Players coming back from a torn Achilles tendon usually tend to lose some mobility, and the "Big Piece" was never better than adequate in the field to begin with. I can't wait to see what he does the first time someone bunts to his position. As for his power at the plate, Howard hit some HR's for sure, but what makes anyone think he won't be swinging at bad pitches? That's what the guy does. I've love to have a dollar for every low (very low) and outside pitch he has swung at during his career, and I have no reason to believe he'll come back with the discipline needed to avoid continuing to do the same. The only think that I know will improve for Howard is the amount on his paystub. Chase Utley will break your hearts as well. When he does come back, his timing will be off, his knees will be suspect, and his range on defense will be lacking. Utley is yesterday's news. He has given us many fine memories, but so have the Temptations. Their oldies are superb, but the next "My Girl" isn't coming our way. Watching a highlight film of Utley's greatest hits is all well and good, but there won't be any new clips added to that DVD anytime soon. When Utley does come back, what do you do with Galvis? The kid is raw, but he has shown me the potential to become a fine second baseman, and he needs to play everyday if he is ever going to fulfill that potential. Every at bat Utley gets will only serve to retard the development of the kid. If I were King Of The World, I would make Utley rehab for the entire season, eat his money, and let him retire with some dignity. That won't happen, but it should. Writing this post is depressing, but trust me - it's about to get worse. I have no choice but to move on to the four-headed monster. Yes, boys and girls, Ruben has provided us with four interchangeable guys who have shown no ability to hit with any consistency and whose fielding skills are suspect at best. The first head on the monster is Laynce Nix, who looks like he has been cloned from Ross Gload and a bucket of steroids. Number two is Ty Wigginton, who should obviously never play third again - ever. How scary is it that he is actually one of the better performers in the Phillies lineup? Number three is Pete Orr, who has yet to show me anything but futility whenever he touches a bat. Lastly, is a former great who is now finished. Not only can't Jim Thome get the bat around any more, he has show signs of Howard's disease, also known as lowandoutsideitis. There is no known cure for this condition. Basically, with all of the above stellar performers, I have to give this week's Bum Of The Week Award to the four-headed monster. Accepting the award for the monster is Brian Schneider. Schneider may become the fifth head for his offensive performance, but he plays his position acceptably well for now. Since I'm the mood to see some hitting, I've been watching a lot of Rangers games. It turns out that there are some teams that can hit.

METS DOMINATE NL EAST!

Can you imagine how bad you would feel if your team scored twelve runs and lost? Pretty fucking bad - especially if you Bobby Valentine and managine the BoSox, who did just that. There must be a God, because the Bean Towners not only managed to lose a game where they put up a dozen, they start the season 0-3 after a three game bitch-slapping at the hands of the Tigers.

You can perhaps sense that I don't care for Mr. Valentine. For those who can't sense it, I'll try to use one syllable words where possible. Valentine is a smug, egotistical asshole who assumes that his opinion ends all conversation on any matter. Valentine is a hard ass with a very tight sphincter, and watching the veins on his forehead literally explode in anger would be a joy to behold.

Shit, I would go to Temple for three weeks if the Sawx could manage to exceed the Orioles record for consecutive losses to open a season (I think it's 21). Get this, the last time I was in a Temple was 20 years ago when Scott had his Bar Mitzvah. So, God must want the Red Sox to keep on losing.

So, wanting to see Major Leaguers actually hit, I watched the Tigers 10-0 win on Saturday against B.V.'s Sox. What a joy it was to see Cabrera and Fielder both go deep twice. These boys are as serious as a stroke (I should know), and we need to get Comcast to broadcast their games instead of the Phillies. I mean, so far, all of their guys look like Ross Gload, especially Nix who may actually be Gload. At least, he hits just like him and looks about as intelligent.

Is it for real? Yes, the Motown Maulers are for real, and it isn't just the new Bash Brothers. Calm down, I'm not saying that Prince Fielder's on steroids. Steroid users don't look like they eat all of their meals at Old Country Buffet. The Tigers also happen to have a very interesting pitching staff, made better by virtue of getting some serious run support.

You may have also notice that the Yankees also got off to an 0-3 start, having been swept by the Rays. So far, I'm loving the start of the season and it gets better with the same 0-3 start for the Braves, who I have hated for longer than most of you have been alive.

My only complaint about the 0-3 start by the Braves is that it means that the Mets are 3-0. The thought of the Mets being in first place EVER is almost as repulsive to me as the visual of Seaumus The Dog shitting all over the roof of Mitt Romney's station wagon on a family outing (rich people don't take trips, they have outings).

I should count my blessings for a great week in sports. Head football coach Bobby Petrino had a motorcycle accident early in the week and had a somewhat less than truthful explanation to the law and to his bosses at Arkansas about it. Petrino didn't care to disclose that he had a 25 year old employee of the athletic department riding with him. He claimed that he wanted to protect the lady and her family from speculation about their relationship. Such a gentleman! Petrino, who is married and in his fifties, later acknowledged that his relationship with the employee was, well, more than professional and was suspended without pay for trying to cover up the relationship. It's always the cover up that nails the perp, not the crime. However, given that Petrino has turned around a moribund program, I suspect that he'll pull a "Jimmy Swaggart" and will be reinstated so that the Razorback band may play on.

The hits just keep on coming at Augusta this weekend at the annual Bigots-Are-Us Golf Tournament, also known as the Masters (pronounced "Massuhs). Although they have allowed black members since 1990 (after caving into pressure from the PGA) and no longer REQUIRE all caddies to be black, Augusta National still maintains their long standing policy of not allowing women to be members. Over the years, there have been several challenges to this policy, but all have failed. IBM has been a long time sponsor of the Masters and it has been customary to offer membership to its CEO. IBM has recently elected a female CEO. Oops! When asked at the pre-event press conference if the club would offer IBM's new boss a membership, the current Grand Wizard of the club refused comment and changed the subject. The LSF has learned that the lady was nominated for membership. I doubt if it will happen. If turned down, she should drop IBM's sponsorship of the event. The last time this issue was in the news, the club payed the Masters without corporate sponsors rather than join the 21st Century. I suspect they will do so again before allowing a woman to join.

As promised, I have selected my AL team for the 2012 Season. In the running were such perennial no-hopes as the Mariners and the Orioles. Both teams have no shot this season, but as a long time fan of the Birds, I was leaning towards selecting the Mariners. Teams I select have a first class ticket to last place. Teams I select are normally plagued with injuries and will be so bad that mediocrity would be a blessing.

I was about to pick the losers from Seattle until last night when watching Baseball Tonight. To my horror, the Orioles were wearing the hats from the '70s & '80s - a tri-color style with the white front, the orange bill, and the black back. That the current team is wearing this uniform is a sacrilege to the great Oriole squads of the past. The hat worked when it sat atop Eddie Murray's afro, but doesn't cut it when sitting on the head of any of the current crop of losers. It also looked a hell of a lot better on Earl Weaver than it does on Buck Showalter.

So, despite my lifetime of love for the Orioles, I am so offended by the wearing of this uniform that I have selected the Angel-O's as my AL team for 2012. Yes, I know they start the season 3-10. I don't care. They are now destined to once again lurk in the cellar for the fifth consecutive season. Go Orioles!

That's it for now, as I await the home opener against the Marlins. I have cut the Phillies offense some major slack in this screed, but have no fear - my venom is aging like a fine wine and will be appearing at a blog near you very soon. Don't worry, Freddy Galvis will eventually get his first hit, and so will Nix.

Where is Wilson Valdez when you need him?

Like It Or Not - The Ty, Freddy, & Laynce Era Is Here!

The Long Suffering Fan is back after six months on the disabled list.

During my time on the sidelines, we've endured a season of Another Great Job by Fat Andrew, an exciting young Sixers team, and a Flyers team that people I know who watch the sport tell me is doing okay. The LSF, as you may remember, will not watch any sport that only plays three quarters.

But, all of the above is only what we pay attention to when baseball isn't being played. Well, during the coming week, umpires throughout the land will say, "Play ball," and I am ecstatic! The Candy-Stripers are heading north and you actually WILL need a scorecard to figure out who this group of Phillies are. Here we go again.

I'll get the good news out first. The Phillies will have, if not the best, than at least one of the best two or three pitching staffs in MLB. If Worley continues to get better and if Blanton can, well, just be Blanton, there won't be too many long losing streaks.

I like the bullpen as well. Papelbon is an upgrade at the closer spot. The guy is more than a little crazy, and that isn't a bad thing in a closer. I feel bad for Madson, but good for his Tommy John surgeon, and good for the fact that the Phillies won't be paying him to convalesce. Kendrick, Stutes, Bastard, and Qualls should all be fine, and probably so will Herndon and Savery. We hope.

Charley needs the Aces to come up real big, because the team is going to suck big time at the plate. Stop groaning and understanding something. Being real and telling the truth is not the same thing as being negative. The LSF does not drink red Kool-Aid. I don't care what Amaro says. I don't care what the local writers say. I don't care what MLB Network pundits say. I tell it like I see it, and what I see gives me cause for concern.

Let's look at the line-up.

We start the season with Who on first, Nobody on second, and a couple of brittle old men rounding out the infield. We have Freddy Galvis on 2B who needs a whole lot more AAA AB's before I get on his bandwagon. Raise your hands if you think Thome, Wigginton, and whoever will make me forget Ryan Howard (and I'm pretty fucking far from longing for Ryan Howard). The outfield could be decent and maybe better than that if Mayberry can play like he did during the second half of last season. I have no problem with Chooch, so long as he stays healthy. If not, maybe Schneider will be able to outhit his weight. The offense will struggle to score, and the rest of the division (sans Mets) has improved, so my best advice is to hold off on buying Kool-Aid futures.

As you may recall, I like to adopt a long-shot basement-dweller as my honorary favorite team each season. In 2010, it was the Royals. Last year, it was the Pirates This season, I will choose two teams. I will adopt the Astros as my National League team. My American League pet team will be revealed in my next posting. I'll also be awarding a Bum Of The Week citation to the Phillie who sucked the most during the previous week. I'll start now with my Bum Of The Spring Award. It goes to Chase Utley for once again blowing off spring training and probably April, May, & June. He'll also start the season on the MLB Top Ten Stealers Of Paychecks.

Hoping to piss some of you off, I'll also be talking a lot more about politics. Here's a preview. If you are a Republican, you either have lost your soul or your mind. There are no other choices. If you believe Mitt Romney to be authentic, I will have a car salesman at your house tomorrow. If you see nothing wrong with how Willard Romney made his money, you either don't know what vulture capitalists do, or you think Scrooge wasn't so bad of a fella before those liberal pussy ghosts got a hold of him. Then, of course, there is Rick Santorum, who would like to go medieval on women, blacks, & most others. I've voted against this Neo-Nazi asshole three times already, I may even change my registration so I can vote against him in the upcoming Republican primary. Lastly, if anybody has compromising photos of Eric Cantor or Paul Ryan, please contact me immediately.

I WILL SUFFER NO MORE... UNTIL NEXT YEAR!!!

The Atlanta Braves won fourteen consecutive NL East titles. The Atlanta Braves won just one World Series during that stretch. Sound familiar? YOUR Phillies have now won five consecutive NL East titles, with one World Series victory. My hunch is that they have won their last NL East title for a while. I say that because, despite having a great starting pitching rotation, the position players are shot.

In my opinion, it's time to say goodbye to Polanco, Ibanez, Utley, and Rollins. It's time to rebuild. They are old, often hurt, and are no longer capable of winning the big games.

The outfield should be the strength of the team with Pence, Victorino, and Mayberry, backed up by Dom Brown (assuming he can find a way to hit above .260 and play defense). Ruiz is still solid behind the plate, but a new back-up catcher who can hit above .260 would nice. I don't see Valdez or Martinez as starters so either someone in the system steps up, or judicious trades are made for a quality infielder or two.

Fortunately, the first baseman is signed to a long term deal for major money. Unfortunately, the first baseman sucks big time (more on him later).

I don't put the entire blame for the loss on Ryan Howard although, after a less than stellar regular season, he stunk up the playoffs for the second straight year. When the money was on the table, he played real small. No, the blame wasn't entirely his. Cliff Lee blowing a four run lead in game two didn't help, nor did the lack of offensive production from the middle of the line-up help either. Other than the game one outburst, the offense was overmatched and our aces couldn't get Schumaker, The Riot, or Berkman out. Pujols and Molina had productive at-bats, and the Cards relievers made our hitters look pathetic.

Many scoffed at me during the regular season when I pulled my heart from the team. Are you still scoffing? Sorry, gang but the LSF's heart had been torn apart too often by the guys in the red pinstripes, and I wasn't going to allow it to happen again. Of course, I would rather they had won, but the loss did not tear me up. I had no expectation of them winning, so no heartbreak for the LSF.

So, now I'll address the biggest issue - that of the man with the moat. Moat Man is being paid the kind of money that guys who are THE MAN get paid. Obviously, there is no correlation between getting THE MAN kind of money and actually being THE MAN. They guy is a loser, pure and simple. You've heard the expression, "When the going gets tough, the tough get going?" Well, all Howard did was sit in the dugout with his head in his hands.

That visual was worth the proverbial thousand words.

Shit, Tony La Russo could have put HIMSELF in to pitch the ninth and Howard would have still not delivered. How apropos was it for the guy to make the last out? How perfect was it that he fell down, wincing in pain, considering all the pain he caused Phillies fans?

Reggie Jackson used to rise to the occasion during the post-season. Ryan Howard crawls under a rock and hides. Oh, how I wish the Phillies would trade him but they can't, and who would want him?

He does spit into his batting gloves better than any other player I have ever seen. What a disgusting display!

There are those of you out there who worship at the altar of whatever statistics you can line up to show how productive Howard is. Fine. You can play with your stats all winter for all I care. In the end, the only stats that matter are the W's and the L's, and Ryan Howard is a big L. His picture should appear next to the word "loser" in the dictionary.

Yesterday, Scott and I were speaking about the number of Phillies that will need off-season surgery. The list is long and includes Hamels, Pence, and Howard. Let's assume for a moment that they had all been healthy for the playoffs. Would that have made a difference? I don't believe it would have.

During our conversation, Scott said that the whole team needed heart transplants. For once, father and son are on the same page with out assessment. YOUR Phillies mailed in their performance - and I include the manager. A lack of heart and passion by the players and a stubborn manager who stuck with "his guys" instead of playing healthy players such as Valdez for Polanco, and Mayberry for Howard helped doom the Phillies to another early exit. The back-up players may have stunk up the field like the starters did, but I would have preferred a healthy Mayberry to a broken down loser.

Amaro won't be able to do a total make-over during the off-season, but he ought to try and do what GM Paul Owens did when he signed Pete Rose to come in and light a fire under the asses of the team that won it all in 1980.

I could write volumes about why Howard sucks, but I'm done. Baseball season is over and I must turn my attention to the Big Green Dream Team - or should we call them the Nightmare Team? Fat Andy is as much of a loser as Ryan Howards, so please do not drink the green kool-aid!

THE GOOD NEWS - NL EAST CHAMPS 5 IN A ROW!!

Congratulations to the the 2011 edition of the Phillies who clinched their 5th in a row NL East Title Saturday when they beat the Cardinals. They were able to clinch because of their starting pitching - Roy Oswalt who looked the best he has looked in many months. A healthy productive Oswalt would be a welcome edition to the playoff rotation.

The problem of course is the continued silence of the bats. Aside from an occasional hit from the regulars the team is not hitting and this will bite them in the ass when they have to face the rotations of the other playoff teams. Since returning to the lineup, Rollins has basically done nothing, and Utley, who may still be hurt has also done nothing, Howard who it is now revealed has bursitus is sitting down for awhile. That's unfortunate since I do enjoy watching him strikeout with men on base. (Do sabermetrics people look at that?)

Victorino's batting average has fallen the way a Steve Carlton slider, and Ibanez - who delivered the three run shot on Saturday to help clinch has been very spotty at best. Polanco seems to have stopped his freefall, but we can only hope that he will be a factor.

That leaves us with two regular players who have kept their part of the bargain. I speak of course of Hunter Pence and Carlos Ruiz. Both have played well.

The problem of course is that in order for the team to go deep in the playoffs they are going to need some help from those who have been stealing their paychecks. The help can't come from the likes of Martinez, Gload, Orr, or even Mayberry. Francisco is a non-factor as is Wilson Valdez. No, the help has to come from the so called core guys, and until I see them starting to hit the ball with any authority, I'll stay away from the Kool-Aid.

My point was made very clear last night when Hamels gave up home runs to Puljos and Craig. One of our Aces goes south and the Phillies bats were silenced by Chris Carpenter - the Cardinals ace. Until the shot by Craig I was switching back and forth between the Phillies and the Eagles. After the shot - no more Phillies.

Speaking of football. Penn State barely beat a Temple team that I thought could have won the game. The Temple starters matched up well against the Nits, but a lack of depth and some mistakes did them in. The Owls should do well in their conference, while PSU will be not be a factor in the Big Ten.

And now to the Eagles and Michael Vick. Wow. This kid has oodles of talent, but he got hit more last night more than an opponent going through a rope-a-dope administered by Ali. Some of the blame has to fall on the o-line who were not very good in picking up blitzes. LT Peters played an awesome game, and Herrmans was OK, but the other guys need some more work.

A lot of the blame for the loss has to rest with Vick who threw 3 picks. You can't beat a good team like the Falcons when you turn the ball over and give them great field position. It was a team loss given that the defense allowed the Falcons to overcome a 4th quarter deficit. I didn't notice our linebackers doing anything - in fact if I were grading these guys - only Cullen, Cole & the DBS would pass. The rest of them just sucked.

With Vick on the shelf with a concussion, and whatever his name as the backup, this team will go nowhere. Vince Young is hurt and we haven,t been given a timetable for his return.

Reid is not my favorite coach - you all know that. Last night he seemed to call every gimmick play in the playbook. The basic stuff was working - the were running well - McCoy looked great. Why not keep at it until it stops working? You'll have to ask Fat Andrew who probably woke up this morning still saying "we've got to do better"

I AM LIVID!!!

I had him in my cross hairs and was prepared to level him in today's post. I am, of course, referring to Ryan Howard. I had him dead-to-rights and then the SOB went and drove in the winning run in last night's game against the Marlins - as a pinch hitter of all things! I felt deflated despite being happy that the non-hitting Phillies were able to pull out a win.

I was going to start by reminding all of you that Howard was on an 0-15 tear during which he struck out with the bases loaded at least twice, leaving all of you sabermetrics freaks in a tail spin. I was going to remind all of you who have been calling for me to give the guy some slack that his defense of late had been atrocious and that, once again(Sept 15 - being a pay day) the guy was stealing his money.

I was going to do all of that and then the guy drives in the winning run, so I'll move on and away from this fraud of a superstar and mention that he is not the only Phillie who can be accused of stealing their money. This team has not been a good offensive team all season. This will come back to bite them in the ass during the playoffs when, unfortunately, they won't have teams like the Mets or the Marlins to pick on. Shit, last night they faced a guy who was making his first MLB start of the season after a horrible nine starts in the minors and they proceeded to make him look like the next coming of Tom Seaver. Way to go guys!

The look on Cliff Lee's face after giving up the home run to Lopez in the bottom of the ninth with two outs and two strikes says it all. Lee had pitched a gem and deserved better from the offense, just as Halladay had deserved better the other night. The lack of offense is putting a ton of pressure on our staff who must believe that they have to be perfect every time out in order for the team to win. Something's got to give. Halladay, Lee, and the others have been good team members by not being critical of the offense in public, but I wonder what is being said behind closed doors. It must be salty at best.

Without a doubt, the Phillies are headed for their fifth division title in a row but, given their lack of offense and occasional defensive lapses, I wonder how many of you are confident that they will be able to get to the series, let alone win it? I am not confident at all. I am so unconfident that if I could buy puts on their chances I would go all in and load up. My friend Bob assures me that once the playoffs begin all will be well, but Bob is a Kool Aid slurper of the first magnitude and he is unable to believe anything else. What are you thinking? Have you ordered your Kool Aid yet?

I am getting aggravated talking about the Phillies, so I'll move on. Michael Vick returns to Atlanta this weekend when they Birds take on the Falcons. The Falcons are coming off an opening week loss and could provide a big test for Fat Andrew and his charges. It wouldn't surprise me if the Falcons are able to stop Vick, although I hope the O-line can continue to protect him and give us a chance for the win.

After a humiliating loss at home to a real team (Alabama), the Nittany Lions travel to the Linc to take on Temple. Last year the Owls were on the short end of a 22-13 score, but they have the horses and the desire to beat PSU for the first time since 1941. The Lions have over the years tended to feast on teams like Temple (they still have Youngstown State on the schedule) but this time I'll be rooting for the Owls. I have never rooted for a team to beat the Lions in fifty years of watching them, but I am sick and tired of watching them schedule weak sisters in order to pad their record and their check book. Not all schools do this, and it's time for the Lions to schedule teams like Pitt again. They won't do it, but they should.

That's it from me. Enjoy your weekend.

WILL SOMEBODY PLAY DEFENSE?!?!?!?

So there I was planted on my favorite sofa. I had a bowl of popcorn and a bowl of... something else ready for what I thought would be an easy game for the Phillies. A team on the cusp of nailing down another divisional title should not lose to a team like the Astros. If they do it should be on a fluke, not the way they lost in the debacle filled 5-1 loss last night.

Something else - if you are the Phillies you should be fined a great deal of money for being unable to hit in a loss to Brett Myers. You remember when Brett pitched here. He was okay, not special, and to me is better remembered as a guy who beat his wife almost as much as he beat other teams. Some of you might approve of such behavior - I don't. They lost to Brett Myers last night and I am appalled.

Myers, who no longer has a major league fast ball, made the local guys look silly with his 75 mph junk. That is not acceptable - not even a little bit. I don't expect this team to win every game but please - I do expect them to beat up on their former teammate.

It didn't help that Roy Oswalt did not bring his A game. Oswalt crumbled in front of his former fans helped by the worst defense I have seen the Phillies play all season. Actually, I think the bags containing the defense must have been lost by the airline that brought them to Houston from Milwaukee because nearly every ground ball became an adventure and the execution of double plays looked like a Chinese fire drill.

There was one attempt at completing a DP where Pete Orr threw a perfect cross body block on Rollins - taking him out and causing the runner to be safe at first. Rollins, who came back a couple of games before Charlie had wanted him to because of the injury to Wilson Valdez could have been hurt bad by Orr's miscue. Then where would we be?

Not satisfied with a poor effort on the mound, Oswalt had the ball pop out of his glove covering first on a DP attempt. Shit, the red neck looked like a deer caught in a headlight as he watched the ball pop out allowing the runner to reach safely.

I hope that after the game Charlie read his team. I hope he made Pete Orr cry like the bitch that he is, and read the entire team for their lack of focus and complacent play. This team is a lock to coast to a division title unless they continue to mail in their performances.

I had to turn away from the game early - out of disgust, but I was surprised when Scott called me to tell me that Ron Paul had stated that he would let the uninsured die rather than treat them with public money. Nice guy. [On the replay, it appears that it was just voices in the Tea Party crowd screaming "yes," not Ron Paul. - Editor]. I was amazed that Scott had found the Phillies so disgusting that he turned on the Tea Party Debate. There is no chance I would ever cast my vote for any of the soulless bastards who were trying to outdo each other on being the nastiest conservative on the planet. There is also no chance that Scott would ever cast his vote for any of them either - thus my amazement to learn that he was watching.

Yesterday afternoon, Scott called me to tell me that he had found something on Facebook that related to me and my very misspent youth. As he read some of the discussion to me I decided it was finally time for me to sign up so that I too could participate in the conversation. It didn't work out.

Signing up was the easy part - navigating Facebook was a disaster which was not helped by the thing Scott posted to my wall that basically showed how "old" people just can't deal with the modern world. What the fuck? I acknowledge that technology is difficult for me to get my hands around. Technology scares me, and I have never Tweeted and never will. If I want to add something to my computer I have to call somebody to do it for me. I can change a lightbulb by myself and I have learned to set my channel reminder so I won't miss my favorite shows but, after that, I am lost.

While all you techno wizards are laughing at the LSF, I remind you that when I was a kid there was no "personal" technology. If you wanted to change a channel, you got off your fat ass and changed it by turning the dial - none of this remote bullshit. If you needed to do some calculations there were no hand held calculators to make life easier - you had to use a slide rule. Shit, I'm betting that some of you techno-modernists have never seen a slide rule let alone know how to use one.

Techno people are spoiled by the gadgets and tools available in this modern world and I'm not impressed when assholes get up at 2AM to stand in line to buy the very latest phone or pad or whatever. I suppose they don't get the fact that, while they are paying for their new toy, Apple or whoever has already designed the next "toy" that will make their new toy obsolete before they get it home. You will never see the LSF standing in anybody's line in order to buy a phone that does everything and that will send you to the poorhouse buying the apps. I have a cell phone that doesn't do anything except go ring ring. It is a phone. I will use my computer to go on line. I use the phone to make phone calls. Now my phone can text, and I will text you back if you text me, but every time I do I have the feeling that I am a sixteen year old girl. I don't like the feeling.

In closing I will tell you how I really feel about technology and things like Facebook. Fuck technology!

IT'S TIME JOE!!!

Wow, and double wow. When one is blessed with ADD, a weekend like we've just been through is an amazing experience. We had plenty of games to watch and I am glad that I replaced the batteries in my remote because I used the thing thousands of times switching back and forth from one game to another.

For us Phillies fans it's beginning to look a lot like Xmas after sweeping the Braves and then taking three out of four from the Brewers. Given that the Braves' troubles continued after our series, I am comfortable believing that the division title will reside in the greatest city in the world once again. While nice, it won't be enough to get the LSF to slurp the red Kool-Aid - as only another pennant and series win can do that.

Yesterday's loss to the Brewers was kind of a reality check showing us that they can not win every game, although I'm sure that many of the faithful have started to believe that they can and will. Sorry gang, but yesterday was a contest that should remind you that Raul Ibanez can strike out with the best of them and that, despite hitting home run number 33, Ryan Howard is fully capable of popping up with two men on base and the game on the line. Not to worry, it's on to Houston where we must face Brett Meyers in game one. On paper, the Phillies should sweep these guys but they don't play the games on paper so, until the games are put in the win column, let's not count our chickens. The Gods Of Baseball may be ready to fuck with us and, if they do, there will be nothing any of us can do about it.

So, with the first big college football weekend behind us we were treated to some decent games. Penn State discovered that it is far easier to beat Indiana State than it is Alabama. The Tide rolled into Happy Valley and exposed the Lions for what they are - not quite ready for prime time. In my opinion, they are a mediocre big time team and will struggle in the Big Ten.

Most glaring was the obvious difference in the quality of the players on the field. Alabama came with some very talented players who were well coached and the outcome was already decided by halftime. Penn State no longer gets the best players and the performance on the field shows it. I have been a rabid PSU fan for a great many years and have watched some awesome players don the blue and white. I have seen them compete favorably with the top programs and have seen them go undefeated on several occasions. Those days of greatness are over. I will continue to root for them, but I fear that something has to happen that many of us Nittany Fans had hoped would never come up.

For at least ten years there have been those that have been calling for Joe Paterno to retire. To them I have always stated that I thought, given his record and contributions to the sport and the school, he deserved to be allowed to coach as long as he wanted to. Sorry Joe, but the LSF now believes that the time has come for you to learn how to play golf or whatever because it has become painfully obvious that you can no longer compete for the top athletes nor can you coach the team against the powerhouses of the sport. Yes, you have 402 victories but let's be real - many of them have come at the expense of the Indiana States and the Temples of the world. Victories against top ranked teams are now fewer and far between. Joe, it is time to turn over the program. Everyone will miss you and our memories of great teams and high graduation rates will not soon be forgotten.

So, I got through Saturday watching bits and piece of a ton of games and now it was time to do the NFL thing and Fantasy Football. I watched most of the Eagles game and came away favorably impressed at their play. Vick did get hit more than I liked but the O-Line held up well enough to allow him to lead the team to a win over a rebuilding Rams squad. A win is a win, but clearly our guys had better not believe that they are a Dream Team since they still need a lot of improvement. At least I didn't have to listen to Andy tell me that "we have to do better." Next week's game against the Falcons will prove to be a bigger test for the Birds, especially since the Falcons lost their opener and will be playing at a high level of intensity.

After the Eagles game, I watched the Phillies lose and then turned on the favorite channel of every ADD-stricken football fan - The NFL Red Zone. The Red Zone is great for guys like me since it fucks with you by switching around from game to game, and usually just when you are getting in to watching a particular game. They did focus a bit on the Panthers and Cam Newton, who lit up the field to set a new first career game passing record. This kid has all the tools and, with some seasoning, could become one of the best. With the new collective bargaining agreement reducing the pay for rookies he probably is making less now than he did at Auburn but I imagine that he will be rewarded in the future.

Kevin (I can't spell my name) Kolb looked okay in his first start as a Cardinal, as did Rex Grossman in his debut as the Redskin QB. Watching the Giants-Redskins game gave me a bunch of mixed feelings. The good news is that the Giants lost - always a good thing. The bad news is that the Redskins won, never a good thing. Giants coach Tom Coughlin set a NFL coaching record for saying fuck and shit more than any coach in history but, given the hot seat he is on, I'm not surprised.

In other good news, the Jets were able to mount a late comeback sending the Cowboys home as losers. I am always happy when any Texas team loses and especially so when the Cowboys do. It was a perfect ending to my weekend of being a serial game watcher.

Then, there is tonight. Going into tonight's action, I am clinging on to a six point lead in my Fantasy opener. That means that my remote will have to do some work switching me back and forth between the Phillies and the Monday night football game. There is no rest for the weary.

Have a great week, and remember it is not time for Kool-Aid of any color.

MY REMOTE WILL BE TIRED AGAIN!!!

Wow! Tonight is going to be a night made for those of us who experience attention deficit disorder. We won't know where to turn first. Thank god someone invented the remote control, otherwise we'd have to get off our fat asses every time we wanted to switch back to the football game or to listen to the Republicans snoring while a gelded Obama lays out his latest jobs proposal that has no chance of passing.

Think about it: The Phillies open up a four game series with the Brewers; the NFL opens the regular season in Green Bay; Obama is addressing a joint session of congress; and most important - it is the start of the fantasy football season. All of this is tonight. The remote will be in my hand and will be called upon to go over and above the call of duty.

So, last night I get home from my dance class and find the Phillies and the Braves locked in a 1-1 tie. I was fortunate in missing Mr. Howard striking out with the bases loaded because, had I seen it, I would have lost the good mood I was in. For all you sabermetric folks who keep telling me how valuable Howard is, what does striking out with the bases jammed do to your model?

Who would have thought that Ross Gload would have been the hero of the night with his ninth inning hit that gave the Phillies a sweep of the Braves? If you tell me that you knew Gload was going to drive in the winning run you are either a pathological liar or you were higher than I have ever been. Nonetheless it was a great to sweep the crackers - kind of reminded me of last year. The Braves are now ten and a half games out and, in my opinion, have no shot at catching the candystripers. The Brewers, however, are another story.

I am getting sick and tired of being told by announcers and pundits at how good the Brewers are at home. Going into tonight's game they are 50-19 at home which I admit is a helluva good record. However, they do get to play a lot of games against the Cubs and my beloved Pirates and against the Cardinals, who are having a sub-par year. The Phillies have a 49-22 home record which isn't too shabby either, so I call on the pundits and other such assholes to shut the fuck up. I won't go so far as to call for a Phillies sweep in Milwaukee but it would not surprise me if they at least win two of the four games. Despite the fact that we won't have Utley, somehow the infield will do just fine with Valdez and Martinez. It would be nice for Howard to contribute, but we can't count on him so perhaps it will be Ibanez, Mayberry, or someone else who will create enough runs to allow the staff to do what they do best. I know that Ryan Braun is having a great season - but facing Cubs pitching is not the same as facing our guys all in a row. While I'm not ordering up the Red Kool-Aid yet I feel good about this series. My feeling good could be the kiss of death, so take my confidence with a grain of salt.

I won't be ordering any green Kool-Aid anytime soon since I think the Eagles may underwhelm a whole lot of folks. Yes, they did sign every free agent d-back on the planet during the off season, but two big problems remain that could sink their season. Andy Reid is still the coach, and I still maintain that the Eagles will never win a title with the Lord Of Lard in control. His game day skills are pathetic whether you speak of his play calling or his clock management. The other major problem is still the offensive line. They can't block anyone no matter how many times they move players around. I was shocked at the announcement the other day that Danny Watkins - the teams first round draft pick - will not be opening the season as a starter. The fireman from Canada they now claim is not ready for prime time and will be replaced by a guy who will have had four practices as an Eagle when they open up against the Rams on Sunday. The fact that veteran center Jamaal Jackson has been replaced by a smaller more athletic rookie I believe that Michael Vick could get killed as early as game one. The team did improve on the d-line, but the three linebackers have virtually no experience and, until they prove they can handle themselves, I won't be forgetting Chuck Bednarik any time soon. Should I mention that the kicking game is now in the hands of two rookies? It could be a very long season for the Birds and perhaps at the end of the season Fat Andrew will finally be made accountable for poor drafting, poor coaching, and poor post game press conferences. I am sick and tired of hearing, "We've got to do better".

This is a very good time of the year for the LSF. I can spew my venom against Ryan Howard and Andy Reid at the same time. It doesn't get any better than that. I'd expound but I need to make sure that I put fresh batteries in the remote so that I can get through the night.

CUT THE MOAT MAN SOME SLACK!!!

I trust everyone had a nice Labor Day Weekend. Whether you did or you didn't today is back to work day and I'm having trouble with the fact that it is Tuesday and not Monday. Seriously, when I went to read Paul Krugman in the NYT I found that he wasn't at the top of the Op-Ed page as he usually is on Monday morning. Oh shit - it's Tuesday, not Monday. I suppose I should have read him yesterday, but yesterday felt like Sunday, so I didn't even look for him. This may seem like a minor problem to most but, shit, yesterday was Monday. The LSF will be confused about the day of the week all week, and I don't like being anymore confused than normal.

So, there I was at the 6200 block of Pine Street's annual Labor Day Block Party yesterday and I couldn't help but think at how sad it is that those who grew up in the suburbs missed the block party tradition. As you know, the suburbs don't normally have block parties. There is no reason why cul-de-sacs and tree lined streets of stone houses couldn't have a block party - they just don't. What a pity. At the Pine Street fest the aromas of ribs and chicken slowly cooking on charcoal grills was tantalizing and made one want to do nothing but eat. The sounds of soul music blared from several boom boxes and we danced in the street. My mother grew up on that block in West Philly and I doubt that she and her neighbors did anything remotely like the electric slide in the middle of the street, but she would have had a good time doing it.

After dancing, I sat down and played pinochle - something I hadn't done in years. The brothers I played with beat me up pretty bad in the game which saw the conversation turn to the upcoming NFL season. Guys talk about sports so talking about football is nothing out of the normal. To me, what has always been out of the normal are the number of Philadelphians who love the Dallas Cowboys. What's up with that? I have hated the Cowboys almost from their inception, but here I was playing cards with a guy who not only was wearing a Cowboy shirt, but had a gold Cowboy helmet dangling around his neck and a watch with the Cowboy logo on his wrist. How sad.

There were a bunch of games played over the weekend and I did get to watch a few of them. The Phillies looked like shit against the Marlins. There is no reason under the sun that Florida should ever take a series from the candystripers, but they did. I wrote last week that I hoped the Phillies wouldn't look past the fish to the series with the Braves, but they must have, and I was more than a little bit nervous about the Braves coming to town. One of the things we have seen lately is the damage done to Halladay in the first inning of games he starts. It happened again this weekend. The pattern has Halladay giving up runs in the first before settling down and going through the other team's line up like shit goes through a goose. The offense shuts down and the Phillies lose a game they shouldn't. Perhaps given this disturbing trend, Charlie should take a different approach when Halladay is scheduled to pitch.

When Halladay is scheduled to start Charlie should deal with the first inning like it was the seventh or eighth and start one of his set up men instead of Halladay. He should use one of his closers in the second and bring Halladay into the third. That way Roy can't fuck up the first inning and can bring his team another win. Hey, it MIGHT work.

And what can I say about Cliff Lee? Awesome just doesn't seem enough. The guy made the Braves look like a certain local vintage "base ball" squad as the Phillies offense erupted. Watching the game last night was a pure joy, especially the incredible catch made by Ryan Howard of a foul ball. The guy showed some great hustle on the play making a sliding catch that should have been shown a bunch of times on all of the highlight shows. He also hit home run number 31 and was on base all night. I still don't like the guy but, in the spirit of fairness, I must give him credit for a great game. I notice that he has hit five homers in the last nine games. Let's hope he can continue to do this until the end of the season, but we'll have to wait and see about that. My guess is that he won't given the sub par season he has had but, if he does, I'll salute him.

That's it for now as I have some shit to take care of this Monday - I mean Tuesday morning. I'll leave you with a warning. If you care about your children, stop worrying about Chaz Bono and focus instead on not allowing your children to see the new uniforms that the Maryland Terps are wearing. Without a doubt they are the ugliest uniforms I have ever seen. Check them out in the Washington Post - but be careful as you may laugh all day when you see them.

THE PLATE IS FULL

As we head into the Labor Day Weekend, our sports plate is filled to overflowing. It reminds me of the plates of fat people at places like Country Buffet or other such places where, for a nominal price, one can eat themselves into food-induced oblivion.

The 2011 college football season opened up last night and the LSF was pumped to the max. I love college football and normally would watch the "student athletes" over the pay-for-play guys every time. Last night I tried to watch the Runnin' Rebels of UNLV take on the Wisconsin Badgers but, after less than a half, I couldn't deal with yet another example of an over-matched team being led to the slaughter so its school can get a big pay day. I did want to watch the Temple-Villanova Mayor's Cup game but couldn't find it on my Comcast system. The Owls crushed the 'Cats 42-7. Given my antipathy towards anything Villanova I am pleased with the result.

So, given the boredom of the Wisconsin game, I picked up my remote and checked in to the Eagles-Jets pre-season game. I endured this nonsense for a few series and said my good-byes to the people wearing the Eagles uniform for the last time. The team has to get down to 53 players this coming week and many who were on the field last night will be counted in next week's unemployment number.

As you know, Fat Andrew made OL Danny Watkins his first round pick in the late draft - which means that no matter how bad he looks - he will be starting next week against the Rams. He'll line up next to rookie center Jason Kelce. I hope that the Eagles q-backs have great health insurance plans since, with these two anchoring the middle of the O-line, they're going to need it. The rookies have not shown that they are ready to protect Vick or Young or whoever is running the offense after those two are crushed by every linebacker in the NFC East. When Watkins was drafted he was working as a fire fighter. If he was good at it, perhaps he should go back to it, since he hasn't shown that he is good at blocking. I'll bone up on the Kaddish (the Jewish prayer for the dead) since one or more of our q-backs is likely to be killed by an onrushing opponent.

My remote got me to the Yankees-Red Sox game which turned out to be very entertaining. Duncan loaded the bases in the bottom of the ninth creating much drama but, in the end, he struck out the last batter and handed the second place Bombers a much-needed victory.

Of course, I did also watch the Phillies beat the Reds in the getaway game in Cinncy. The candystripers brought their brooms to the Queen City and Vance Worley got his tenth win. Moat Man hit his thirtieth homer yesterday, making it six seasons in a row with at least thirty home runs and a hundred RBI's. When asked about this feat Howard said, "It's cool." Duh, what about hitting .248 - is that cool? My hero of the game was Michael Martinez, who hit a two run shot bringing his home run total to three for the season.

So, this weekend will serve up something for just about everyone. If you are into tennis, the U.S. Open is in full swing up in NYC. The LSF doesn't watch a lot of tennis, but does enjoy the Williams sisters - Serena and Venus. Venus had to drop out of the tourney due to an autoimmune disease but Serena is still involved - so I do have some interest in the event.

The Phillies will spend the weekend playing the Marlins and I hope they don't end up sleeping with the fishes by not taking the Marlins seriously while looking ahead to the next series against the Braves.

The Braves still think they can win it all and a good bitch-slapping by the Phillies next week would go a long way in making them understand that they can't win it all. We need a repeat of last year's end of season Brave bashing and, if we get it, I might start believing that the Gods of Baseball want the Phils to go far into the playoffs. I only hope that the gods aren't setting us up for a crash and burn against the D-Backs or worse - the Yankees in the series.

Finally, if you are as much of a college football junkie as I am, this weekend will be awesome. All of the top teams are in action and all should look very good playing Bumblefuck Tech or, in the case of my beloved Nittany Lions, Indiana State. The games will be one-sided but, with a menu of hundreds of games to watch, I will be a happy camper. In case you want to know who the LSF is rooting for, here are a couple of axioms I live by: Axiom number one is to always root for Bumblefuck Tech to pull the once in a lifetime upset against a nationally ranked team, Axiom number two is to always root against the team wearing a goofy looking uniform when they are playing a team with a classic uniform. I loathe the uniforms worn by schools like Oregon or Boise State where they either have weird color schemes or stripes running every which way - giving me a headache. Ooh, that reminds me of a third axiom! When both teams are wearing silly uniforms - root for injuries.

So, whether you will be attending one of the many block parties that will be held in the hoods, going to the shore, or to a pristine suburban park for a cook-out, enjoy the games, the festivities, and one of the last chances to see scantily-clad women as the weather will soon turn cold and the lovelies will be bundled up.